Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    Nickelodeon Finally Reveals Secret Ingredient In Green Slime: Uncut Colombian Cocaine

    LAKE BUENA VISTA, FLORIDA — If you grew up in the 1980’s or 1990’s you may have watched the children television programming network known as Nickelodeon, and if you did you probably wondered what all went into their infamous green slime.

    Starting with You Can’t Do That On Television, from its very earliest days, the children’s cable network would have green “slime” dumped on actors and audience members so much that the channel became and the substance became inextricably linked. Green slime is as much a part of the ethos of Nickelodeon as any of the shows they’ve ever broadcast, perhaps more so. But what was in the slime has been kept a closely-held secret for decades, and rumors would swirl around it for that entire time.

    Now, at least some questions about what went into making their trademark substance have been answered.

    In a new documentary film, “Not Ready for Slime Time,” Nickelodeon execs reveal that the key ingredient in its green slime was none other than pure, uncut, Colombian cocaine.

    In fact, the doc makes it very clear from the start that most of the shows that ran as the channel started up were merely fronts for running coke out of Colombia and into the United States. In a potentially explosive development, one person insinuates orders came from President Ronald Reagan himself to use Nickelodeon’s shows to import boatloads of white, powdery narcotics into America’s neighborhoods and townships.

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    “All I did was take a couple of meetings okay? It wasn’t my idea to front the whole coke operation, that was Ronnie Reagan’s brainchild,” says Barf of Barf’s Burgers, a sketch that ran on You Can’t Do That On Television for years, in the documentary. “I didn’t want to at first, but when they told me they’d deport me back to Canada if I didn’t help, well, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII heard that!”

    Barf was asked how he got the coke into the country.

    “What do you think’s in the burgers,” Barf asked dryly.

    According to many in the film, this fountain was just pure, liquified cocaine with some green food coloring.
    via GIPHY

    Whether or not the United States government was complicit or even the driving force behind it, the clear facts are that cocaine by the bucket load was mixed into the green slime that Nickelodeon used on several of its shows. The reason? To get kids addicted to their shows, of course.

    “We had no idea, really, how the cocaine in our slime that we dumped on people on our shows would make its way into our audience’s blood streams,” founding executive Stanley Nicholas Odeon told the documentary’s interviewers. “But we knew if it worked, if our crazy, hair-brained idea paid off, we’d have millions of coke-addled kids screaming for more programming from us. Millions of dollars to be made, man.”

    Reached for comment, Rep. Tom Thompaulsen said he is “saddened and appalled” by this development.

    “This is just depraved. Depraved and sad,” Thompaulsen said. “In fact, it goes beyond that. It’s sick-sick-sick-sick-sa-sick-sick-sick, sick and groddy mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.