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    Grassley Warns Kavanaugh: “Another 60 or 70 Sexual Assault Allegations Might, Maybe, Could Make Us Wag Our Fingers At You”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) has issued a stern warning to President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee in the wake of another bombshell accusation from a woman alleging grave sexual misconduct.

    “If these new allegations from Julie Swetnick, published in various media outlets, are true, they give us all great cause for concern,” Grassley wrote in a letter to Brett Kavanaugh this morning. “I feel I must warn you — another 60 or 70 sexual assault allegations might, maybe, could make us wag our fingers at you, sir.”

    CNBC was the first to publish the details of Ms. Swetnick’s allegation that Kavanaugh and his friend Mark Judge participated in and organized drunken parties while in high school that frequently turned into gang rapes. Swetnick has hired Michael Avenatti, the same attorney who represented Stormy Daniels in her legal affairs with President Trump. Avenatti provided the media with a sworn affidavit signed by Swetnick that alleges multiple crimes were committed. Ms. Swetnick holds a security clearance she could lose as penalty for lying under oath.

    “Of course we won’t stop you from becoming a Supreme Court justice. Who hasn’t made a mistake, or a series of repeated, predatory mistakes in their past,” Grassley writes. “After all, lifelong consequences for crimes you commit in your youth are for people of color who sold some weed, not for good, clean, pure white, ammo hoarding, God fearing boys of privilege and affluence.”

    Grassley’s letter warns his “finger can wag faster than anyone, even at [his] advanced age.”

    “Boys will be boys, I get that, but sir, there’s a big difference between a few credible accusations of sexual assault and a few dozen,” Grassley said. “Mainly the difference is that I can’t get away with political equivocation and whataboutism after about ten or eleven rapes, sir. So I please, I must ask you, to get a handle on how many people you might have raped or tried to rape and get back to us with that number so we can make a more informed decision.”

    Mr. Kavanaugh or his attorneys did not respond to requests for comment.

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    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.