Monday, October 2, 2023
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    Graceland Workers Dig Up Elvis Presley’s Corpse And Confirm It Looks A Lot Like Trump

    MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE — When President Trump told a rally crowd in Mississippi last week that people used to tell him that people used to tell him that he looked like Elvis Presley, it was widely regarded as an attempt to ingratiate himself to the people in the King of Rock and Roll’s home state.

    “When he said he looked like Elvis,” one rally goer said, “We liked it, we liked hearing him mention the King. But we also definitely got a good chuckle out of the notion that he looks anything like Elvis.”

    That rally attendee couldn’t have known, however, that days later there would be a development in this story that changes everything. Workers at Graceland, the mansion Presley had built and lived in until he died in 1978, exhumed his body under presidential order, and what they found is nothing short of remarkable.

    “This morning, we began work to exhume the mortal remains of Elvis Aaron Presley from their final resting place here at Graceland under direct orders from the President of the United States of America,” Sal Valtoni, Deputy Groundskeeper for Graceland, told reporters. “We confirmed at that time that there is now a very striking similarity in both looks, and frankly, smells, between the King and the president.”

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    Valtoni said that while there isn’t much left of Elvis’ body over 40 years after his death, what was there “definitely has a resemblance” to Trump, he said.

    “It turns out that fat, bloated corpse of a man who died in the late 70’s before he turned 50 years old rots in just such a way that he takes on the ghoulish, disgusting features of a 72-year old white collar crook and D-list reality TV host,” Valtoni said. “Hey, you learn something new every day, huh?”

    The White House issued a statement following this news.

    “The president is of course bigly vindicated. He said he looked like Elvis, and now there is no doubt,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders barked at the press on the White House lawn. “He plans to celebrate this victory by tweeting angrily at the FAKE NEWS press from the presidential Twitter throne, after which he’ll have Ivanka wipe and flush.”

    This is a developing story.

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.