KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Today, in what would be bizarre moment in literally any other period in American history, a sitting president called himself “The Chosen One.”
Speaking to reporters about a variety of topics and stories in the news, President Donald Trump told reporters, “I am the chosen one,” in referring to his trade war with China. However, because the comments came at the same time that he quoted conspiracy theorist Wayne Allyn Root calling him “the King of Israel,” after the president had insinuated that American Jews who don’t vote for him are “disloyal,” many criticized Trump for what they said was more unpresidential and perhaps even baffling or absurd behavior.
“I mean, he’s out there calling himself the King of the Jews, and Evangelical Christians are still sticking by him? We live in very insane times,” one Hill staffer told us, “because that’s literally what their actual messiah calls himself in their holy book. I guess the commandment about no false idols before God is out now?”
Perhaps sensing a need to weigh in on the subject of whether Trump is, in fact, “the Chosen One,” Larry “God” Schumway held a heavenly press conference at the corporate headquarters of his premier afterlife eternal timeshare.
“Right, so, here’s the thing, and I very rarely say this, so please understand how much shock even I’m in right now,” Schumway began, “but technically, Donald is right. He is, in fact The Chosen One.”
Audible gasps were heard from the heavenly press pool.
“However,” God began, immediately hushing the outcry from the reporters, “there are way, way more than just a single Chosen One.”
Hushed confusion entered the press pool. One reporter got up the nerve to ask Schumway how there can be more than one “Chosen One.” God said he understood the confusion, but explained himself.
“You see, I like to sub-categorize my Chosen Ones,” Schumway said, “so I have a Chosen One for Taking Out the Trash, a Chosen One for Folding My Laundry, and I have a Chosen One for Warning Humans Not To Let Themselves Become Fat, Slovenly, Racist Morons. But you know, Don, always hearing what he wants to hear and ignoring everything else. I told him all of this very clearly one night when that idiot Pat Robertson put him on the horn with me. I don’t know how many times I have to tell ol’ Patty I don’t care about earthly politics. Anyway, the point is I told Trump he’s the Chosen One for Warning Humans Not to Let Themselves Become Fat, Slovenly, Racist Morons and he just took it and ran with it.”
Mr. Schumway said that in his mind, there is no one more qualified for the role he gave Trump.
“Are there other tubby little racist assholes out there? Sure. But none of them have that ‘punch you right in your big dumb face’ vibe that Trump gives off,” God said.
God made sure to reiterate several times that Trump does not possess any supernatural powers, nor is he authorized to call himself the Messiah or imply he has godly powers.
“He’s going to do all those things, of course. He’s going to compare himself to me. Hell, he may even claim to BE me,” God said, “but do not listen to him. I mean, this goes without saying, or at least it should, but the guy is completely and utterly full of shit. Do not trust anything that comes out of his mouth. If he says water is wet? Take a shower and confirm it.”
The White House did not respond to requests for comment, saying they don’t have to answer to any “cuck Gods anymore.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”