Thursday, January 20, 2022

Can God Be Prosecuted for Miscarriages if the Supreme Court Throws Out Roe?

There’s been awful lot of talk about abortion in America lately. Perhaps that’s not a big shock, considering that six people who represent a statistical minority of the population on the bench of the Supreme Court now have the fate of abortion rights in their hands while they deliberate a case that could decimate the 50+ year constitutional precedent.

Many legal scholars say after hearing the oral arguments in the case that the conservative justices on the court seem poised to do exactly that. Some argue that abortion will still be available to women via access in states that do not ban the practice. However, it would mark a major shift in reproductive policies, and it even opens all kinds of legal hypotheticals.

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One such hypothetical — in a post-Roe America, is whether or not could God face criminal charges because of miscarriages.

In many medical circles, miscarriages are defined as “spontaneous abortions.” They are even called an “act of God.” So does that mean that God can be punished, legally speaking, for allowing miscarriages after the Supreme Court throws out Roe?

We asked some people who claim to have legal degrees what they thought, and here are some of their answers.

Kimberly Kimmerson, Lawyer

“Offhand, I’d say absolutely not. Then again, we’re about to let this country be taken on a far-right path by religious nutcases because of the Electoral College and gerrymandering. So what the fuck do I know, anyway?”

Richard “Ricky” Richardson, Lawyer

“Let’s just put it this way — in a sane world, not at all. In the Bible Belt? Well, I’d say God may want to stay out once Roe falls.”

Katie Katherine Kittylitter, Paralegal 

“I couldn’t find anything in any law library that would allow this to happen. That being said, it’s beyond crazy as it is that the government would force rape babies into existence, so maybe my understanding of how the world works is just, well, totally wrong.”

Marcus Riccilumbo, “Sovereign Citizen,” Took One Semester of Poli-Sci at Long Beach State

“Absolutely he can be. He can also be sued for giving Don Trump a mangled dong, as well as put in jail for treason for allowing Democrats to vote last year. Also, I think he needs to testify before Congress when we take back the House next year, and we might finally figure out what he knew about Benghazi.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.