RIO CHINGADEROS LOCOS, GEORGIA — Authorities in a small Georgia town are reporting that they have a single newborn baby in custody, awaiting arraignment on murder charges. Because the suspect is a minor, their name is being withheld, but we do know the alleged killer was born female.
“This morning we took a young newborn baby into custody on suspicion of one count of murder,” Deputy Sgt. Lance McIntosh told reporters this morning. “We were given credible intelligence from the mother’s obstetrician and gynecologist that the newborn was actually once a twin, but had absorbed her twin at some point during the pregnancy. As you know, we value life greatly in this state, and we take all murders, no matter how young or developing the victim, deathly seriously.”
Sgt. McIntosh said he and his fellow officers had been waiting for months to make the arrest. They were tipped off early on in the pregnancy, but knew they had to wait to bring their suspect into custody.
“If we would’ve taken the suspect in when we were first made aware of the murder,” McIntosh said, “we’d have to arrest ourselves for aborting it before it could be born and arrested.”
Attorney Ryan Smith is representing the newborn baby suspect. Smith says he’s never “heard of a case so patently absurd,” but that he’s “not at all surprised.”
“It’s Georgia, for goodness sake,” Smith said. “We just banned abortion before most women even know they’re pregnant and basically made it so rape victims have to carry their rapist’s babies to full term. We have a saying down here, ‘If it’s stupid, it’s probably from Georgia,’ and well, here we are. Face to face. A couple of Silver Spoons.”
Smith intends to argue that the case should be thrown out on “it’s fucking beyond dumb” grounds and also that a fetus couldn’t possibly know it was absorbing its twin, much less understand the moral implications of taking the other life.
“At the very most we should be looking at Baby Manslaughter, and reality it should be more like fetal negligence with probation and a stiff fine,” Smith said. “But obviously my client is going to plead not guilty to these charges and looks forward to being able to give her goo-goo-gah-gah of the story in court.”
McIntosh says that the newborn suspect will be kept in a special nursery wing that has been built out in a state penitentiary.
“The suspect will get three square breastfeedings a day and will have yard access but not with any other baby suspects,” McIntosh announced. “We just can’t risk putting this stone cold baby killer in with the general population. Perps like that get the snot kicked out of them on a regular basis.”
If tried and convicted, the baby would receive the death penalty, per Georgia law, which McIntosh says is “fair and just.”
“Look, if that baby had been aborted along with its twin before their mother even knew they were pregnant, we wouldn’t be here today,” McIntosh said. “But the simple fact is that pro-life means being pro-birth, really, and once that baby’s birth happens, of course it should get the death penalty like anyone else who commits murder in this state. Do we really live in America anymore if we can’t execute newborn babies for absorbing their twins as fetuses? I don’t think we want to answer that question, fam.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.