Sunday, October 1, 2023
No menu items!

    Historians Discover George Washington’s Long Lost Weed Stash

    FREDERICKSBERG, VIRGINIA — In an extremely unforeseen development, President George Washington’s personal cache of marijuana, presumed by historians to be lost for over 200 years, has been discovered underneath socks in a sock drawer in a home Washington spent much of his childhood in.

    For many years, American history experts have theorized about Washington’s weed stash. Operating with the knowledge that Washington came from an agrarian upbringing and the fact that in his time there was no racially-based panic induced by government propaganda, historians and researchers have painstakingly dissected, combed, and poured over every square-inch of every residence Washington had that still stands. Some archaeologists have even opened dig sites in locations that Washington frequented, hoping to come upon his stash of Mary Jane.

    “There are records of Washington’s that show he grew hemp on his farm at Mt. Vernon,” Dr. Susan Wifflestrom of the American Academy of Historical Things told us. “And of course everyone remembers back in 1956 when his pot brownie recipe was found scribbled on the back of a map he used during the American Revolution. We just all kind of felt like he was a toker, from all the evidence we could see, but never had the smoking gun, or bong, in this case. Until now.”

    This week, Wifflestrom’s organization was once again back at a farm home in Virginia where America’s first president spent much of his childhood. While going through Washington’s teenage bedroom, one AAHT employee accidentally moved a pair of socks in a sock drawer, exposing a leather bag full of extremely dried out marijuana. Wifflestrom says that what makes this discovery even more significant was that the satchel of weed also contained a hand written note from Washington to his mother.


    Do not worry. This is not mine. It’s Josiah Woodblock’s. I told him I would hold it safe for him. Please don’t be mad at me, because again, it’s totally not my weed.

    “He couldn’t lie about a cherry tree, but he still told his mom he was holding it for a friend,” Dr. Wifflestrom said.

    Some Americans may be shocked to find out one of the most well-loved and respected founders smoked pot, but Dr. Wifflestrom says that’s just because academics have never quite figured out when to teach students about his drug use. Wifflestrom says, however, that Washington’s passion for the sticky-icky has been known to some, even some surprising places.

    “A lot of people don’t realize that one of Bob Marley’s biggest influences was George Washington’s early work in the genre,” Wifflestrom said. “And if I’m not mistaken, Cheech and Chong’s early stuff is often an homage to Washington’s journals, which he called his his Leafy Green Leaflets, in which he told hilarious stories about staying up and watching re-runs of What’s Happening with James Madison.”

    This discovery is also significant because it marks the first time that actual pot was found that belonged to President Washington, not just paraphernalia. In 1987, AAHT discovered an old box of items from Washington’s bedroom he shared with his wife Martha. In it were some special items, and a note written by Mrs. Washington, detailing how much fun she’d had the night before “smoking that herb and gettin’ freak nasty” with her husband.

    “Washington did not have a wooden bong,” Dr. Wifflestrom told us, “but he did like to get pegged by a wooden penis, which he and his wife had dubbed The Cockstitution, so same-same, really, when you think about it.”

    Plans are for Washington’s weed stash to be donated to the national archives, and it is presumed that it will one day sit in the Smithsonian.

    James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.