Gaetz and Jordan Insist Trump Must Have Won Because They ‘Wouldn’t Blow Just Any Old Loser’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For more than a month now, elected Republican loyalists have tried to explain why President Donald Trump actually won November’s election, and it has not been an enviable task to do so.

For starters, people like Congressmen Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz of Ohio and Florida respectively have had to thread a thin needle in which they cast doubt on the presidential race, but not the races they’ve won recently, run in the same way this year’s election was held. Gaetz and Jordan have become two of Trump’s loudest supporters, arguing time and again that, despite lacking evidence to prove it, Democrats stole the election from Trump.

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Jordan proclaimed today that he knew “for a fact” that Trump actually won, not Biden, because he and Gaetz “wouldn’t blow just any old loser.” The Buckeye Republican wrestled with fully articulating how he came up with the conclusion that Biden cheated without any evidence, and without any having been presented in any of the many losing court battles for the president’s surrogates and legal team thus far.

“All I’m saying is that if you stop counting votes when you get a to a number no Trump supporter can reasonably count to,” Jordan told reporters today, “the president wins. And I think we all agree it’s fundamentally unfair to count votes to a number that is insulting to both the character and the numeracy of your fellow Americans, is it not?”

Gaetz, in an interview on OANN last night, said that he thinks Democrats “are guilty of a fully legal, Constitutional coup,” and he said he’s cried himself to sleep many nights because of it. Republicans are “losing because of math and democracy,” Gaetz insisted, calling them “clear tools of George Soros’ angry Bob Mueller Angry Democrat mob,” echoing the words Trump himself often uses to describe his perceived enemies.

“If I didn’t have the six or twenty pints of gin in my system every night,” Gaetz said, “I’d be a real fuckin’ mess right now, let me tell you what.”

Today, at a joint news conference, Gaetz and Jordan tried one more time to explain in simple terms why they do not believe it is even possible that Biden defeated Trump.

“HI! I’M MATT GAETZ AND I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REFUSE TO MODERATE  MY VOLUME FOR THE SAME REASON I REFUSE TO MODERATE MY BEHAVIOR IN A PANDEMIC AND THAT REASON RHYMES WITH ‘I’M A SELFISH FUCKING ASSHOLE!’,'” Gaetz shout-yelled at reporters at close range, maskless, “I DON’T REALLY HAVE A POINT OTHER THAN TO STAND HERE AND BE LOUD AND MAKE YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”

Gaetz reached down behind the podium he and Jordan and setup just minutes prior, and retrieved a case of Natural Light beer.

“ANY FUCKING HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW,” Gaetz screamed at full volume while opening a beer, chugging it down, and repeating that process three times in succession, belching, farting, and scratching his ass, continued, “HERE’S MY BUDDY-PAL JIM JORDAN. HE’S GONNA SAY SOME REALLY DUMB STUFF, BUT REALLY FAST AND WITH THE TONE OF A PREACHER, AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS, SO BOOM! CHECKMARK, LIBTARDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! GAETZ, OUT! WE’RE STILL SAYING THAT LIKE RYAN SEACREST IN FLORIDA, BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

Gaetz face planted, knocking himself unconscious.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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