Fox News’ Lahren: “Mermaids Are White, Just Like Santa and Jesus!”

LA CULERA RUBIA ARRUGADA, CALIFORNIA — Last week, our sister publication, Alternatively Facts, published a story about Fox News contributing racist Tomi Lahren’s feelings about a new remake of a Disney film.

Lahren railed against Disney’s decision to cast a female of color in the central role of the upcoming live-action remake of 1989’s animated classic, “The Little Mermaid,” today. (AltFacts)

AltFacts reports that Lahren’s comments about the casting news came when she was appearing on an AM talk radio show. Lahren wasted no time and minced no words.

Speaking on a conservative talk radio show, Ms. Limpbiskit told the show’s host she thinks the casting of actress Halle Bailey was Disney “giving over to the angry left-wing mob of tolerance and representation.” She went on to say that “changing the skin tone of established characters” is like “spitting in all our beautiful white faces.” Thrombosis said that American conservatives should consider boycotting the new film when it comes out to “stand up for traditional skin colors and the heritage of white mermaids.”

Ms. Lahren called the casting of a person of color in the titular role “uber-PC cultural marxism,” among other pejoratives. Lahren set a new dry land speed record for the most flaps of a jaw in a thirty second period, going off on Disney and liberals in general.

“This is just a crock of liberal, hippy-dippy, uber-PC, social Marxism bullcrap, and everyone knows it,” LastCallForAlcohol said emphatically. “Because anyone who’s educated even the slightest in mermology knows that merpeople are all white. Because they’re made in God’s image but crossed with a fish. And um, sorry libs, God’s white, and we know he’s white because his son, Jesus, was white too!”

Lahren said that Disney is “blackwashing mermaids just like liberals tried to blackwash Jesus.”

“Everyone knows mermaids are white, just like Santa and Jesus,” Tillamook said, “and all the blackwashing and fictional white character genocide in the world can’t cover-up the truth! They might have the fact-based truth, but we have the truth that’s in our hearts. The same heart in our chests that tells us Donald Trump is a super-successful, very rich, completely legitimately elected, popular president who has accomplished more than Barack Obama could in eight whole years is telling us that there is just no way in flipping hell that Ariel should be black.”

Then Lahren reminded the show’s audience of another conservative controversy over the skin color of Santa Claus.

“Black Santa! Remember that? These liberals don’t know how to stop stooping to new lows,” Tabasco said. “No wonder these idiots believe in climate change! They think Santa Claus could be black somehow! Imagine that, not believing that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but believing Santa could be black! And they wonder why we make sure to cheat to win elections! We have to keep these loony morons out of office! Before they convince the fine people in red states that carbon dioxide is bad for the environment!”

Lahren gave listeners a list of other people that she will “never let the libtards blackwash.”

“Some people might think I’m unaware of how racist I am, or whatever, but I will not sit idly by while liberals blackwash everyone from Marty McFly to Luke Skywalker to James Bond,” Lamplight said. “That’s just not how I roll, fam! What’s next, them stealing jazz, rock and roll, hip hop, and marijuana back from us? I don’t think so!”

Another Story: Megan Rapinoe Accepts Invitation To Visit Hillary Clinton’s House


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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