WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s not really a big secret on the Hill that President Donald Trump loathes former President Barack Obama. It’s not really ever been all that clear when, exactly, Mr. Trump developed his ill-feelings for Obama, but for many years Trump was the man who was the loudest voice in the “birther” movement. Trump relentlessly hounded and assailed Obama in the media over what he said were irregularities in the community organizer’s birth certificate.
Some wonder if the 2012 White House Correspondents’ dinner set Trump off on his anti-Obama crusade. At that event, Obama famously roasted Trump, who wasn’t even a political candidate at the time. Many have guessed that Trump’s anger toward Obama was hardened that night.
While the world may never know for certain why Trump hates Obama so much, former President Obama himself took a guess while speaking to Democratic donors this morning.
“You know, I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion it comes down to old school jealousy,” Obama said. “I think the current president has always been more than a little obsessed with how much bigger mine than his mine is.”
An audible gasp from the audience was heard.
“Shit, guys, you remember I like to crack wise, right? I’m saying he’s jealous of the size of my Twitter follower count,” Obama clarified, “which is why he can’t and won’t shut the holy living fuck up about social media censoring conservatives. I mean, as if we all don’t know of a certain very popular, extremely good looking, handsome, young, political satirist out in California that has been kicked off Twitter just for calling Anne Coulter what she is.”
“A racist cunt, in case you were wondering,” Obama once more clarified. “I’m saying Ann Coulter’s a racist cunt. Anyway, free @JamboSchlarmbo is all I’m saying as far as that goes.”
Mr. Obama took another dramatic pause, much like he had become famous as a president for doing while giving speeches. Obama let the pause swell. Taking a measured breath, he continued.
“See, the guy in my old office right now is driven by one thing — his ego,” Obama explained. “He talks about his Electoral College victory like it’s a big deal because he knows he lost the popular vote by three million people. Which is also why he wants everyone to believe there are millions of illegal immigrants who voted for Hillary and that’s why he lost. In other words, folks, the president is an egomaniacal moron, and that makes him say and do really dumb stuff. Like, say, inviting a bunch of right-wing mouth breathers to the White House for a social media summit where you basically profess how much you don’t understand about how algorithms work for a couple hours.”
In an effort to try and resolve the tensions between the two men, Obama says he’s willing to loan Trump a “few million Twitter followers.”
“I’ve got about forty million more than him, so I’ll let him have ten or fifteen if it’ll make him feel better,” Obama offered. “It takes a village, after all.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”