Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    Fans Irate Disney Scrapped F##k a Wookiee Attraction in New Star Wars Land

    ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — Just a few weeks ago, the Disneyland resort opened its “Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge” attraction. The new “land” transports fans into the Star Wars universe and immerses them in experiences that are designed to make one feel like they’re part of the galaxy far, far away. In general, the reaction to Galaxy’s Edge has been quite positive, however, there is a small but very vocal group of fans who are angry that Disney scrapped a planned attraction, and they aren’t staying quiet about it.

    “We’re out here today to officially lodge a protest against Disneyland for removing its Fuck a Wookiee attraction from Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge,” Kent Willman, President of and Executive Officer of Wookies Need Good Lovin Too, a Facebook group dedicated to people who have sexual feelings for Wookiees, told reporters across the street from Disneyland today. “We realize we have no real legal power over a private corporation’s business decisions, but we wanted to let Disney know just what a huge mistake they’ve made.”

    Currently, Galaxy’s Edge offers visitors a chance to fly the famous Millennium Falcon and visit a cantina filled with various alien creatures. Park attendees can even buy and consume alcohol within Galaxy’s Edge, something that up to this point Disneyland never offered within its park gates. However, Mr. Willman says none of those things take away from the fact that he and others like him were “robbed of a really unique and awesome opportunity.”

    “My whole life, I’ve wanted to have sex with a Wookiee,” Willman said. “What is Disneyland telling me? What message are they sending me and the others like me? That it’s more important to them to let Bobby and Joey fly the Falcon than it is for me to get balls deep in a Wookiee? I don’t even like Star Wars that much. I love Wookiees. I don’t know. It’s just super disappointing is all.”

    When the plans for Galaxy’s Edge were first announced, many fans wondered if a Fuck a Wookiee attraction would be included. However, Disney never confirmed or denied those speculations and rumors. This, Willman says, led to “mass confusion” and “big hopes that were crushed under Mickey Mouse’s boot heel.”

    “If they had just told us early on we weren’t gonna get to bone a Wookiee, it could’ve saved us all so much heartache,” Willman said.

    Willman says he will continue to boycott Disneyland until they agree to a meeting with him. Disney did not offer any comment.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.