RIO ESTUPIDO, TEXAS — At a weekly press conference today, Fire Chief Robert T. Moron addressed a recent spike in arsons reported in his small Texas town. Beginning in February, Moron divulged that his fire department had been called to investigate a steadily rising number of structure fires that seemed to carry the hallmark signs of arson.
For a few weeks, Chief Robert and some of the members of the local town council mostly played down worries that their city was in the middle of an arson-spree. However, after a week that saw thirteen buildings intentionally set aglaze, Moron and city officials knew they had to put a plan of action in place. RSFD put out several guidelines to residents, hoping it would help them resist the urge to burn their own buildings down. However, the arsons just kept on coming.
Today, Chief Moron strode to the podium and announced that after “some deep thinking and urgent brainstorming” he’d come up with what he thinks is a “foolproof plan.”
“The truth is that a common thread in all the arsons reported exists. And that thread, is smoke detectors,” Chief Moron indicated. “Frankly, we have the best smoke detector coverage of any city, and that’s a big reason so many arsons get reported. It only stands to reason, then, that if we ban smoke alarms, or at the very least disable a large number of them, poof! No more arson!”
Chief Moron believes that other cities would have higher rates of arson than his own, if they had as many smoke detectors in them.
“I can only assume, logically speaking of course, that they have fewer arsons over in River City specifically because they don’t have as many smoke detectors in their homes,” Moron suggested. “So the other night, as I was trying to think of ways to stop all the arson. Just eliminate the smoke detectors!”
Removing smoke alarms from every home might not just stop arson, Moron said. He believes it might have other, much larger scale impacts.
“Look, I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep or anything,” Moron explained, “but I have a feeling that if we took out all the smoke detectors, it wouldn’t just end arson as we know it in our town. I don’t think there’d be any structure fires, period! Who could argue against such a well thought out plan like this, anyway?”
Fire Chief Moron intends to present his plan at the next city council meeting, scheduled for later next month.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.