HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — Right-wing, Pro-Trump televangelist Bill Millen told listeners and viewers of his podcast today that he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the president calling up Satan and asking him to dig up dirt on former President Joe Biden.
“Friends, I know that normally I’d be outraged. I know that normally we’d all be outraged, in fact, if a Democrat had done this,” Millen told his teleflock today, “but they did not! So you can rejoice in that good news! God has given us, in his infinite wisdom, a human flood, that will wipe out all the abortionists, socialists, and climate alarmists who are trying to ruin this great nation. Because anyone who has read the Bible, like I most definitely have, knows that Jesus and God cared most about protecting America from the influence of those people.”
Larry “God” Schumway and Jesus Hubert Christ, CEO and Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc., respectively, did not comment on this story. Wiping sweat from his brow, Rev. Millen continued.
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“So what if he called up Satan looking for dirt on the Bidens? Show me where it says, in the Constitution — and more importantly your bibles — that he cannot do that,” Millen demanded from his congregation. “I mean, for goodness sake! Satan was a former angel! That means at one point he had top heavenly security clearance. Are we really saying we can’t trust a guy that God himself used to trust? Sounds cucky to me, folks. Super-duper cucky.”
Rev. Millen referred to stories from the Bible as he reassured his followers that what Mr. Trump is doing is “legal in God’s eyes,” regardless of whether it’s “technically illegal by U.S. law.”
“This is not unlike when God asked Abraham to kill one of his sons. God has put Trump in our lives and asked us to sacrifice one, or maybe all, of our values that we’ve professed so loudly for so long,” Millen explained. “Sure, we wanted Clinton impeached over a blowie, and sure Trump has paid off porn stars during elections to keep them quiet about boffing them. But I scoured the Constitution and I can’t find where it says hypocrisy isn’t a defense against impeachment, so here we are.”
While he admits that Trump “blasting the evils of socialists and socialism” here in the U.S. while also asking authoritarian communist regimes like those in China to dig up harmful information on his rivals is “not great,” and “doesn’t make much sense,”he doesn’t think it rises to the level of impeachment.
“I will reiterate, as much as it looks like treason, and as much as it looks like a naked abuse of power, it’s not as bad as when Slick Willy got that hummer I was talking about,” Millen insisted. “It’s just not. I believe it says in Paul’s Letters to the Romans that impeaching people based on anything but blowjobs is a sin. Pretty sure I read that last night. Maybe it was in the Bible, maybe it was a Breitbart article. But I ask you — what’s the difference, really?”
While the call President Trump placed to the incoming Ukrainian president this past summer was kept a secret from the public, Mr. Trump seemed to seek help from the Chinese government this week on the South Lawn of the White House. Many on the Hill were shocked and surprised that a sitting president would engage in public collusion with a foreign entity to win an election, but when word started spreading that the Trump administration had traveled to Hell to seek an agreement with Satan to investigate the Biden family, eyebrows raised even further.
“Frankly, I’m most surprised that they had to spend taxpayer dollars traveling to hell when one of Satan’s best friends, Stephen Miller, works at the White House,” one congressional staffer speaking on the condition of anonymity told us. “Couldn’t he have arranged a Skype session instead?”
Rev. Millen believes that criticizing Trump for working with foreign governments and/or the living embodiment of mankind’s evil, wicked ways is “fake news bullcrap” that needs to stop, for the good of the country.
“What good does it do us to worry about who’s above the law, and who is below it,” Millen asked incredulously. “All this talk of abuse of powers, it’s a distraction from Trump abusing his powers, but in, like, a good way. Why don’t our libtarded brethren understand that he’s shredding the Constitution for the good of all of us?”
Before ending his podcast this morning, Millen said a prayer for Trump, and for Satan.
“Oh dear God, who I totally believe in because I’m totally not just bilking these poor saps for 10% of their income every month, tax free,” Millen began, “I beseech you, Oh God, to put your protective hand over the big, dumb, orange man in the White House. We know he’s not perfect. We know he’s literally everything we accused the Democrats of being for so very, very long. But we need to protect the unborn zygotes, God! We need to keep the interests of capitalist industries a priority over the air we breathe and the water we drink! Save him, oh Lord, and protect his buddy Satan, who didn’t do anything wrong, and is just the victim of a witch hunt, like our Dear President. Amen.”
Reached for comment, Satan said he “would never work with such a piece of shit” like Trump.
“I hate to break it to you, folks, but even I’m not that gross,” Satan said before heading back inside the gates of Hell to watch reruns of The Facts of Life.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.