NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In an interview on Fox News, President Donald Trump’s smartest son not named Barron or Donald Jr. told viewers this morning that “well over 95% of unicorn breeders” in America support his father and want him re-elected.
“And let me ask your viewers this,” Eric Trump asked the hosts of Fox & Friends, “What do you think our economy would be like if it weren’t for the long hours and stressful work of our country’s unicorn breeders? Dare I say they are the literal and economic backbone of the United States of America? I dare. I dare.”
Eric says that “so many people love Daddy” that he always “draws massive crowds.”
“Like at the bar in France when America won the World Cup,” Eric said, “and they all started screaming our last name! It was so fun! And the best part is apparently all us Trumps are gonna get super duper laid because they just kept shouting about how much they want to fuck Trumps! Not only do we have the support of 95% of America’s unicorn breeders; clearly we have the support of at least 206% of French people in France watching the World Cup at a bar!”
Eric also announced that he had decided to start an “unbiased, pro-Trump” polling company to get the “real feelings of real, white Americans to the real, white American people.”
“Our first poll, conducted by Trump Polling, shows that not only does 95% of the country’s unicorn breeding population love my daddy, more than 173% of people named Eric Trump think he’s the BEST daddy,” Eric said, shoving a spoonful of paste into his mouth. “And a full 561% of psychic Martian dog walkers from the planet Meepzorp are completely behind this MAGA agenda of ours!”
Since Eric concluded his Fox News interview, however, some controversy has arisen over his claims.
“Eric’s a good kid, but his brain is basically a half-eaten jar of strawberry jelly,” Jane Chestermeyer, the President of the American Unicorn Breeders Union, told reporters when asked about Eric’s boasts. “He asked me last week if the AUBU would endorse his dad’s campaign and I told him I knew the feelings of about 95% of our members on that subject. He took that to mean we’d endorse the president, but I was just trying to find a polite way to decline. I forgot temporarily the whole half-eaten jar of jelly brain thing.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”