Saturday, September 30, 2023
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    Elon Musk Is Clearly a Better Person Than Bernie Sanders, and Here Are 5 Facts to Back That Up

    One of Twitter’s hottest beefs of the last month has been between Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont, and billionaire Elon Musk. Musk has been posting quite frequently to Twitter of late to express dissatisfaction with inflation and taxes. When Sanders tweeted that Americans need to “demand” that “extremely wealthy pay their fair share,” Musk got extra catty in his reply.

    Obviously, the person who is in the right in this scenario is the guy who’s rich because he fell out of a rich racist diamond miner’s wife’s vagina. It’s not the guy who has been fighting — and even getting arrested for his efforts — for racial and economic equality his entire adult life. But, we wanted to dig in and show you five key reasons why Elon Musk is a better person than Bernie Sanders.


    1. Bernie Sanders Believes Rich People Have an Obligation to Take Care of Poor People, Just Like Adam Smith, Who Invented Capitalism. Elon Musk Puts Rocket Dicks Into Space Using Taxpayer Dollars.
      Is there anything better for humanity than billionaires, who will be trillionaires soon, and their vanity rocket ship projects? Who needs clean drinking water back home when the PayPal guy is busy making rockets go VROOOOOM!
    2. Bernie Sanders Was Arrested Protesting for Civil Rights. Elon Musk Called a Guy Trying to Help Rescue Trapped Miners a “Pedo” When He Criticized Musk’s Idea.
      Say what you will about the tenets of socialism, dude, but at least Musk had the guts it takes to baselessly label someone a pedophile just because they said your underwater submarine James Bond style rescue plan might have been a tidbit unrealistic. 
    3. Bernie Sanders Has Worked at the Local, State, and Federal Levels for the Majority of His Life to Make Things Better for the Working Class. Elon Musk Had a Company That Built and Sold Flamethrowers.
      And they were so clever to call them “not a flamethrower” to get around safety and weapons regulations, weren’t they? Again, another big point in Musk’s column.
    4. Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign Forced the Democratic Party to Move Left and Adopt Many Pro-Working Class Positions Their Platform Didn’t Contain Before. Elon Musk Mocked the Idea of Giving $6 Billion to End World Hunger.
      Man, it’s not even close is it?! Musk is just such a tremendous gift to humanity, how could Bernie ever hope to compare?
    5. Bernie Sanders is a Little Curmudgeonly with the Press Sometimes. Elon Musk Thinks The Babylon Bee is Good Satire.
      Well…shit. We had forgotten about that. You know what? Forget everything you just read. Anyone who thinks The Babylon Bee is good is clearly a psychopath, a sociopath, and probably should be catapulted into a black hole.


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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.