It’s a tale as old as time, and even as old as thyme, one of the oldest known and most used herbs. You meet somebody new. A potential lover. A potential employer. A potential friend. They seem normal at first, but red flags start going off.
They start talking about how some vaccines aren’t fully FDA approved, and after they demand that you give credit for those vaccines to a man who tried to overthrow our democracy. They start calling acts of domestic terrorism “tourist visits.” You’re starting to wonder — are they completely and utterly stupid?
Where Does the Constitution Allow for Delusional Losers With Hurt Feelings to Be Reinstated?
Being an intelligent person, you don’t panic, of course. You know exactly what to do. Ask them one of two questions that will lead you right to where you want to know.
“Can I see your vaccination card?”
“Hey, who won the election?”
But, well, what if we told you it might not be necessary to ask them both questions? It turns out, thanks to a new study conducted by the National Institute of Looking Into Shit, we can tell you pretty definitively exactly that!
“Well, when we conducted our recent survey of over 2500 fuckwits, we found that over 95% of them believed that the election was stolen,” NILIS media director Chaz Charleston told us. “The exact same percentage, literally the exact same people, also told us they’ll never get vaccinated.”
Charleston said that “it doesn’t take a rocket billionaire” to figure out what their data means.
“Basically, the same kinds of morons who think elections are stolen are the same kinds of idiots who won’t get a free, life saving vaccine,” Charleston explained. “Essentially, we believe we’ve proved that dipshits of a feather dumbfuck together, if you will.”
Charleston suggests that NILIS data might show a “path forward toward bipartisan compromise.”
“Tell the right that you’ll agree to voter ID laws, but only if the voter ID is a vaccination card,” Charleston suggested. “Then everyone gets a little of what they want.”
Are You a Victim of Tyranny, or Being Politely Urged to Get a Life Saving Vaccine?
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.