NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The president’s third smartest son announced today that he was “going back to school to learn a new trade.” Speaking to reporters, Donald Trump Jr. divulged that he had recently tried to enroll at the Electoral College because after doing some soul searching, he figured out he wanted to be an electrician one day.
“And I said to myself, Donny Jr, the world’s second smartest man named Donald Trump, you know what you need to do,” Trump Jr. said, “You need to go learn a new trade. You’ve already mastered everything else you’ve ever done, just like your genius father. But you haven’t been learned on how to work with ‘lectricity yet! So I decided I needed to go to school to learn to work with ‘lectricity, in case I ever need to change a lightbulb, or you know, hotwire a getaway boat so me and my crime syndicate family can escape to foreign waters one day, whatever.”
Trump Jr announced his matriculation at the Electoral College in front of Trump Tower, with his bionic sex android Kimberly Guilfoyle right next to him. Throughout the press conference, however, Mr. Trump kept referring to it as the “Electrical College.” It’s unclear at this time whether Trump Jr knows the difference, however. He said his father already called to congratulate him, and that he was “really looking forward” to having the president pay for his grades “like back in regular college.” The president’s son told reporters he isn’t sure how strenuous his course load will be the first semester, but that he’s confidant his brother Eric can handle running the Trump Organization’s business interests while he’s in class.
“The truth is that it doesn’t take a lot to make money when your Daddy is pres-o-dent,” Donald Junior divulged, “so all Eric has to do is sit there with that dopey look on his face — which a different dopey look than I always have — and we should be sittin’ pretty when I graduate from the Electrical College.”
Donald Jr said that while he hopes his father will pay off his professors so he’ll get good grades again, he is not counting on his father to pay for his tuition. For that, he’ll be relying on a scholarship from an uncle.
“Uncle Vlad seemed really happy when I told him I was going to apply to go to the Electrical College,” Donald Jr. announced. “He said he was gonna personally pay for all my books and classes! He said that all I have to do in return is take pictures of a few pieces of paper in Daddy’s office, which seems like a kickass deal to me. So I took it. I can’t wait until I get to play with electricity!”
The president’s oldest son divulged that he’s “always been into ‘lectricity” from a very early age, and he feels like graduating from the Electoral College will give him a chance to truly pursue his passion and dreams.
“Daddy would always laugh and smile when I put forks and knives in light sockets. He’d encourage me, and tell me that it’d be one less mouth to feed, and how it’d be great because it’d be the dumbest mouth he was responsible for,” Trump Jr said. “Now I realize he was encouraging me to go learn a trade so I could pull myself up by my own bootstraps like he did when Grampa Fred gave him all that money to fail at his first six or seven businesses with! What a great Daddy he is!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.