WASHINGTON, D.C. — The list of people, businesses, and government officials who President Donald Trump has referred to as an “enemy of the people” is growing so long, some on the Hill have suggested Americans may have to start keeping a list of people he hasn’t given that label to, as it would be a much shorter list to maintain. Today at lunch, Mr. Trump launched a blistering verbal barrage at a new target — Domino’s Pizza — and forgetting the most powerful man in the free world’s dipping sauce for his hot wings might cost the food chain dearly.
“I hereby order Domino’s Pizza to come to the White House immediately, with lots and lots of free pizzas,” Trump commanded via Twitter. “You must atone for your most egregious and unbelievable insult to me!”
Just minutes later, Trump tweeted an attack on Domino’s again.
“Forgetting dipping sauces, Domino’s Pizza? Are you kidding me,” Trump demanded, “and here I thought the media, Democrats, people who don’t like me generally, and that one daughter of mine, Not Ivanka, were the Enemy of the People. But you pizza hoodlums are too! You are the enemy of the people!”
Reportedly, last night President Trump was ending his day in the routine way; four large pizzas, Fox News on the TV, and his First Lady by his side, in the presidential bedroom. Except, last night the pizzas also included hot wings because, as one source close to the situation put it, “Donald really loves hot wings.” All did end well for the president and his First Lady, however, when he noticed that the pizza delivery driver had not delivered the hot wings with any dipping sauces.
“No ranch?! No bleu cheese? IVANKA! IVANKA,” Trump shouted and nudged his First Lady, “THEY FUCKING FORGOT MY DIPPING SAUCES! How the hell am I supposed to enjoy my hot wings if I can’t dip them in a variety of savory sauces that both cool the burn of the wing sauce, but also enhance the overall depth of flavor of said hot wings, IVANKA?!”
The First Lady was unable to console Mr. Trump. No matter what she tried, even things that we are legally prohibited from reprinting because we’re not sure what the laws on incest are if both parties are way, way old enough to know how disgusting it is — and frankly they are — worked. The president was completely unhinged.
“FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING, IVANKA, I AM SUMMONING THE HEAD OF DOMINO’s PIZZA HERE, TO THE WHITE HOUSE,” Trump shouted, “BECAUSE I AM PRESIDENT AND YOU DO NOT FORGET THE PRESIDENT’S DIPPING SAUCES!”
When Mr. Trump began his work day at his usual 11:00 am today, having completed his scheduled six hours of “executive time,” he picked up the phone and called the local Domino’s franchise personally.
“Hello? Hello? Hi, this is your favorite president of all time,” Trump began. The woman on the other end said something that made him recoil with horror. “No! Not that urban guy! ME! TRUMP! It’s Trump! Look sweetheart, do me a favor and put Bob Domino on the horn would you? I gotta tell Bob Domino that his delivery guy fucked up something bigly.”
When the Domino’s employee told President Trump no one named Bob Domino worked there, or at any Domino’s restaurant she knew of, he became irate. He demanded to speak to her supervisor, and the employee obliged. But the supervisor had the same message for President Trump — Bob Domino didn’t exist. Trump didn’t believe what he was being told.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t believe what I’m being told,” Trump said, growing agitated. “My closest advisers, who I pay insane amounts of money to never disappoint me, ever, told me that Bob Domino runs Domino’s Pizza after I asked them one night, ‘Hey, is the guy who runs Domino’s Pizza named Bob Domino, because I think it is?’ And they confirmed it. They never lie because I never lie, and I don’t tolerate lies being told in front of me.”
Trump then rattled off a series of lies he doesn’t believe.
“Climate change? Lie. Chinese hoax lie. Crooked’s popular vote margin? Lies. Democrat lies. Bob Mueller 2.3 million angry Democrat lies,” Trump said, stamping his feet as he paced around the Resolute Desk. “Historically low approval ratings? Lies. Mathematical lies. And Bob Domino doesn’t exist? LIES. PIZZA LIES. AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT MAKES ME SADDER THAN PIZZA LIES!”
That’s when the president decided to use Twitter to demand that Domino’s Pizza’s executives come to the White House urgently, and with as many free pizzas as they can put in their cars. After sending his tweeted ultimatum, Trump put his iPhone down. He reached inside his desk, into a special drawer that he keeps KFC chicken in. The drawer is restocked several times during the day by White House staff. Trump ate the chicken as he sat down behind the desk once more.
“The trap is set! Now, when those Domino’s cucks show up, and Bob Domino is with them, I’ll arrest the whole company for lying to a president,” Trump said, “which is, like, totally in the Constitution, or at least I pretend it is and Bill Barr said that’s good enough for him.”
Representatives from Domino’s have not responded to the president’s demands, or to a request for a comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”