ORLANDO, FLORIDA — One of the longest running attractions at Walt Disney World is the Hall of Presidents.
In it, guests are transported through American history and — thanks to animatronic versions of them — are able to meet several presidents. For his own robotic analog, President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya) recorded his dialogue in both English and Sharia. President James K. Polk’s animatronic dances across the stages doing the dance he so famously invented that features accordions — accordion waltzing.
This week, the attraction closed for about a week so that Imagineers can bring offline, refurbish, and upload a new “stupid and racist” firmware update to the animatronic version of President Donald Trump.
“Here at Disney, we spare no expense — except of course on our drone army of hourly pleb/workers,” Disney World Vice President in Charge of Media G. Ufay wrote in a press release today, “in making all our attractions as real and believable as possible. In light of President Trump’s recent blatant racism, we felt it would have been negligent to not update his animatronic analogue ASAP.”
Ms. Ufay’s press release states that the Trump animatronic will be updated with new, signature catchphrases that have been instrumental parts of Trump’s recent rhetoric.
“He’ll lead the audience in a rousing chant of ‘Lock Her Up!’,’ as per legacy programming, but then he’ll suddenly switch it to ‘Send Her Back!’,” Ufay wrote, “and we really think the whole family will love sharing that moment of unbridled white supremacy. After all, you are in Florida. You had to expect to run into some white nationalism at some point in your vacation.”
Ufay says some “special modifications” will also be made during this downtime that other animatronic figures in Disney’s theme parks don’t have.
“We completely stripped out its logic board,” Ufay said, “because it and Trump’s personality programming weren’t compatible. Every time it’d go to say something racist or stupid, the logic board would cut him off, sit him down, and quietly shit his own pants, as I think we all wish Trump’s brain would force him to do.”
In order to prepare Trump’s firmware update, Ufay says engineers have been scanning in secession letters from Confederate states and having its onboard computer hang out on 4chan and Stormfront message boards. Ufay says that this technique has “definitely helped” imbue Robot Trump with a “healthy dose of racism” but his team is having a hard time getting the animatronic recreation of the alleged billionaire and reality-TV D-List celebrity “dumb enough.”
“We’ve hooked the Trump-bot up to a feed that just dumps Sean Hannity’s TV program into its hard drive,” Ufay said, “and that is definitely helping it develop the unwarranted hubris he needs. But surprisingly, Hannity’s only making the bot about 75% as dumb as it has to be. We’re hoping simultaneously streaming old broadcasts of Rush Limbaugh’s radio show will put us well-over the stupid threshold we have in mind.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”