ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — Today, Disney announced that Bob Iger would be stepping down as their CEO and a longtime veteran of their corporation, Bob Chapek, would be taking over Iger’s role. The move was quite unexpected and took many on social media by surprise. Mr. Chapek, perhaps wanting to assuage the fears of both shareholders and loyal Disney customers, held a press conference where me made several assurances to both groups.
“Firstly, I want to thank Bob Iger for his years of service to the Disney legacy that Walt built so many years ago,” Chapek began, “and just right off the bat, I want to assure you that this Bob will keep the ball that Bob got started rolling. It is my solemn pledge to you all right here, and right now, that we will remain committed to the core values that have made Disney one of the biggest and most important entertainment brands of all time.”
Chapek snapped his fingers. A Disneyland employee appeared from the back of the room carrying a large bucket of water. The park employee poured Chapek a glass of water, and handed it to his new CEO. Then, Chapek took one sip from the glass, swallowed, and then tossed the rest of the glass in the employee’s face. Taking the bucket of water from his employee, Chapek kept talking without missing a beat as he drenched the park staffer with the contents of the bucket.
“For starters, we will ensure that all executive bonuses remain full and inact, and in fact will increase by 200% each year I’m CEO,” Chapek announced. “There is literally nothing that can shake our commitment to giving you all the non-earned millions you so richly don’t deserve.”
Chapek reared back and smacked the park employee right across his face. Then, as he was stunned, Chapek grabbed him by the hair, turned on his heel, pushed the employee’s head down near his rear, and farted. The smell, witnesses say, was of putrid garbage and freshly minted hundred dollar bills. Chapek then motioned for security to come take the park employee out of the room, and he continued his speech.
“Now, in order to maintain those extremely important bonuses, that means we’re also going to re-up our commitment to forcing our park employees to live in their cars,” Chapek said, “rather than cut into our profit margins by even the smallest, thinnest amount possible. We know how important it is for our park guests to feel better than the people who are working below subsistence wage jobs to service their needs, and by God, we intend to give every person who goes through our turnstiles that feeling of smug self-satisfaction.”
Chapek didn’t have all bad news for park employees hoping a change in c-level executives would mean they might get to have a roof over their heads. He announced that all parks would be expanding their employee parking lots. However, there will be a need to cover the additional costs of expansion and staffing the expanded lots with security.
“So employees will have to pay three times what park goers pay to park,” Chapek said, “for the privilege, nay, the HONOR, of sleeping in their car in a world-class Disney parking lot. There will also be fees assessed for using a hot plate you can plug into your cigarette lighter port, as well as a surcharge for any breathing they do while within the confines of the parking lot. Those fees collected will go right into our executive bonus pay structure, another big win for the company!”
Disney owns some of the most valuable entertainment properties on the planet. From Star Wars to Marvel to the recently acquired library of 20th Century Fox content, Disney will remain focused on “sucking up every piece of intellectual property” they can find in the coming years. The tradeoff will be less pay available for their park employees, but more reasons to build new and exciting attractions on their properties.
“Our goal is to own every single piece of content on the Internet by the end of the decade,” Chapek said, “and we’re pretty sure we can pull it off. But not once will we waiver in our steadfast commitment to keep our executives rich, and our park employees well below the poverty line.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.