President Donald Trump will deliver what could be his final State of the Union address tonight. On the eve of what will be his acquittal in the Senate on two articles of impeachment, he is likely to be more unshackled and unrestrained than he has been during his previous addresses before congress and the nation. For someone who is quite frequently boastful and full of hubris, it’s anyone’s guess just what will come out of his mouth this time around.
But maybe you’re too busy to watch. Maybe you’re going to be out of the house while the address is on. Maybe your doctor has told you that you can’t expose yourself to much spray tanner and egomaniacal ravings anymore, for the sake of your continued health and well being. There are so many reasons you might not be able to tune into the State of the Union, and all of them are completely valid.
Still, if you find yourself wishing you could experience what it’s like to watch Trump’s State of the Union address, there’s good news! We’ve come up with a few things you can do with a little imagination and a lot of hot, foamy diarrhea, that will give you that Trump State of the Union experience you crave for some truly sick and depraved reason.
1. Tilt Your Head, Pour it Right Into Your Ear Hole
This is probably the most “accurate” way to simulate Trump’s speech using diarrhea. Anything he says, that then enters your ear canal, will be translated as diarrhea by your brain anyway. Well, provided you’re not a red hat wearing, gun hoarding, Confederate flag waving “patriot.” Then your brain does something quite amazing and translates it into intelligent, intelligible political rhetoric. For the rest of us though, pouring a quart or two of diarrhea right into your ear is the closest you’ll ever come to hearing Trump speak, without actually hearing him speak.
2. Pour It Into a Trough, Roll Around In It Awhile
Granted, this is probably more akin to what it’s like to be at a Trump Rally. But for those who support our Dear President, after any time he speaks, they like to soak up and basque in all its fecal glory. Besides, State of the Union addresses can be long, so after some time, it might really feel like you’re swimming in a pool of shit, having to listen to Trump bloviate over and over.
3. Send a Case of It To Your Friends and Force Them to Play With It
This option is like if you had a viewing party for the State of the Union. There’s nothing quite like forcing your friends and loved ones to endure a Trump speech. Well, actually, that’s probably not true since forcing your friends to play with your diarrhea is pretty much the same thing, we’re saying here. Well, now we’re all confused and turned around. So, just know that you can spread your misery to your friends by making them watch Trump speak, or by making them play with your diarrhea. You might be surprised which one they’d choose.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.