Monday, October 2, 2023
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    DeVos Supports ICE Raids Because Her Drink Is Getting Warm

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy DeVos told reporters today that she “completely and totally supports” a reportedly upcoming raid on ten American cities designed to round up and arrest undocumented migrants because her drink has gone warm.

    The upcoming raid, based on cases filed in 10 immigration court locations — Atlanta, Baltimore, Chicago, Denver, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New Orleans, New York and San Francisco — will target approximately 2,000 people, according to a senior immigration official. The report was confirmed by other media outlets. (UPI)

    Critics of the move say it’s possible the raids could lead to racial profiling and innocent people being ensnared. President Trump, who has made immigration and immigrants a central theme of his presidency from the moment he announced its candidacy in 2015, defended the upcoming raids on Twitter. Trump insisted that ICE will only be looking for those who have “been ordered to be deported.”

    Sec. DeVos was spotted coming out of a D.C. area dry cleaners and stopped to answer some questions from reporters.

    “Here, can you hold this? Thanks,” DeVos said as she handed a freshly pressed and cleaned white robe to her assistant. “Let me just say right off the bat, even though I run the Apartment of Vacations, I fully support these upcoming ICE raids. We simply have to act quickly before times runs out.”

    When asked why time is running out, and what it’s running out on, DeVos seemed incredulous. She held the Starbucks cup she’d been holding up to the reporters. Sec. DeVos swirled the cup around.

    “Hear that? Of course you don’t. That’s because the ice in my iced coffee melted,” DeVos said, sadness in her voice. “Now my drink has gone warm, and I need some ice. So if you ask me, if it means rustling up some brown folks in order for my iced coffee to stay super-duper cold, then I think that’s a bridge we simply must cross, like one of Montana’s famous bridges that cross the globe’s twelve oceans!”

    Sec. DeVos admitted she “doesn’t quite get the connection” between undocumented migrants and the ice in her drinks, but she still supports the raid regardless.

    “Have you ever tried drinking a warm soda or a warm glass of iced tea,” DeVos asked incredulously. “I’m not even sure you can call it iced tea if there’s no ice. If these illegal Mexican-ish looking people are hoarding the ice, they need to be apprehended and the ice needs to be given to people who want to chill their bevvies!”

    Both Energy Secretary Rick Perry and HUD Secretary Ben Carson echoed DeVos’ sentiments.

    “Frankly, it’s summertime and I can’t imagine a big ol’ cup of lemonade without ice,” Perry said in a radio interview over the weekend.

    Carson said that he wasn’t “fully briefed on the situation” but would “gladly speak slowly, as if in a medically-induced coma” about it regardless.

    “If you ask me, the problem is with the Chips Ahoy cookies. They aren’t as good as Oreos,” Carson said. “And I think we all know that’s as intelligent as I’m ever going to sound, so I’m going to stop talking now.”

    Another Story: White House Drama: Eric Tells Ivanka ‘You Might Sleep With Dad, But You’re Not My Mom!’

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.