The following was written by the editorial board of this publication. It does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of our publication’s ownership and management…but it pretty much does.
Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Donald Trump’s Swollen Hemorrhoid) is clearly no stranger to litigation. Currently, Mr. Nunes is locked in legal battles with a fictional cow, a parody Twitter account of his mother, and a handful of media publications and writers.
Some on the Hill have wondered if Nunes could really claim to be a conservative because, despite most conservatives’ strict adherence to the “fuck your feelings” doctrine, it’s become apparent that Nunes’ feelings matter a great deal to him. As such, he’s felt the need to sue to protect them from being hurt by mean journalists quoting him accurately and average citizens using Twitter to troll him.
Just this weekend, Nunes added two more combatants to the growing list of people and organizations he’s either suing, or plans to sue. Nunes announced that he would be filing a lawsuit against CNN and The Daily Beast for publishing accusations leveled at him by a former associate of another of Trump’s armada of defenders, Rudy Giuliani. Last week, as public impeachment hearings were wrapping up against Trump in the House Intelligence Committee, Rep. Eric Swalwell lobbed a metaphorical grenade in Nunes’ direction, citing a report that Nunes had personally flown to Ukraine to help push their government to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter.
The accusations come from Lev Parnas, a now indicted former fixer of Giuliani’s, who was busted for federal campaign finance law violations. Both Giuliani and Nunes have denied the allegations, however Parnas’ attorney has stated that he has “hard evidence” to back up his claims. It would seem that Nunes is headed for at least another couple legal battles in his near future. Mr. Nunes has yet to provide any actual evidence to refute Parnas’ claims, scholars note that is “very on brand” for him. They note during the impeachment hearings conducted over the last two weeks, Congressman Nunes repeatedly pushed conspiracy theories about Ukraine meddling in the 2016 election, despite those very rumors being debunked, in real-time by Dr. Fiona Hill. Ms. Hill was a witness to the efforts to smear former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and pressure Ukraine into the politically-motivated investigations President Trump demanded in exchange for a White House meeting and military aid.
As a media publication ourselves, we would love to benefit from some of the publicity that Congressman Nunes could provide us. That’s why we’ve decided to throw our hats in the ring and attempt to bait him, openly, into doing just that. After studying Rep. Nunes’ activities and proclivities for some time, we’ve determined that two things trigger him enough to act as a catalyst for one of his now famous lawsuits.
The first thing that seems to get Nunes upset enough to sue is comedy. This is not surprising to anyone who has noticed that, in general, fascist toady sycophants don’t take kindly to being mocked or ridiculed. Hence why Nunes is suing a Twitter account named for a fictional cow who represents themselves to be one of the bovine inhabitants of Nunes’ dairy farm. The other thing that seems to get Nunes riled up to the point of litigation is the First Amendment more broadly.
Despite the fact that the Constitution’s very first amendment, which is the cornerstone of every American’s unwavering rights to live in freedom and liberty, explicitly grants the right to a free press, Nunes constantly assails “the media.” Most of Rep. Nunes’ attacks on the press come when they dare to report things that are negative about him or his Dear President. Whether or not what’s being reported is accurate doesn’t seem to matter to Nunes; all that matters is defending his ego — and that of the world’s most powerful whining alleged billionaire — from enemies both foreign and domestic…but mostly domestic.
All of this is why, after careful consideration, our editorial board has decided to openly taunt Nunes, hoping he’ll sue this very publication.
The only thing we had to figure out was what to publish that would get Nunes fired up enough to sue us. Then it hit us like a ton of bricks — we’re a satirical outlet and therefore, at least ostensibly a humor outlet. Next, we remembered that satire and parody is completely covered by the First Amendment, which we already mentioned is something that triggers Nunes something fierce.
With that knowledge, suddenly, something else hit us a like a ton of bricks — a truck carrying a ton of bricks. But once we cleaned that whole mess up, the idea came to us that we hope will be a catalyst for getting sued by Devin Nunes. He likes to fuck goats. Publishing that he likes to fuck with goats would surely entice him to sue us, wouldn’t it? We surely hope so, because thanks to satire and the First Amendment, that’s exactly what we’re going to do, right now, in fact.
Congressman Devin Nunes fucks goats. He’s a goat fucker. At least that’s what we’ve heard, and we all know Nunes really respects conspiracy theories.
What we’re trying to say here is that if you put Devin Nunes in a room with Donald Trump and a goat, the wildest, and yes, most horrifically disgusting suck-n-fuck would ensure. Nunes would be blowing the goat and letting Trump get inside his asshole one minute, and the next he’d be sucking off Trump and getting balls deep inside the goat. That’s because, and we can’t say this enough…
Devin Nunes is a goat fucker.
Why would we do this? Why would we tell the whole world that Devin Nunes, Donald Trump’s ballbag man, likes to fuck goats? Why would we openly taunt and mock him, begging him to sue us?
Because of discovery, that’s why. We want the chance to have our legal team demand his turn over documents related to the lawsuit, that’s why. In fact, we almost forget an extremely important detail; a detail we’d be extremely remiss in not reporting.
Devin Nunes is a goat fucker who traveled to Ukraine to fuck goats. Maybe he also was there to help push the Ukrainian government to dig up dirt on the Bidens; we’re not sure about that. But Devin Nunes most definitely traveled to Ukraine, on the taxpayers’ dime, to find and fuck goats of all shapes and sizes. We certainly hope Mr. Nunes sees fit to sue us over this report, too. Nothing would make us happier than to be sued because we posted a report that Devin Nunes fucks goats and went to Ukraine specifically to fuck goats.
We look forward to hearing from Congressman Nunes’ legal team, and we’re sure they’ll be able to provide us documentation as to what, exactly, Nunes was doing in Ukraine back in 2018. If he wasn’t fucking goats, what, exactly was he doing there?
Time, and discovery, will tell.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.