MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The federal government of Mexico has published an extremely detailed audit of just how much of its budget has been allocated and spent on the border wall between the United States and their country. Along with the audit, Mexico’s government issued a warning to the Trump administration that they “might have some problems doing the math” contained inside it.
“Not because the math is all that complicated, of course,” the letter states, “but because your trade war with China showed us you don’t live in mathematical reality. But, if you have one of your smarter children, one of the ones you don’t have lustful feelings for, not the one with your name, and not the one that looks more like an 80’s action star with the first name Gary. Ask either the female one you don’t say disgusting things about. Maybe she can operate a calculator.”
During the 2016 presidential campaign season, Mr. Trump promised his supporters that that building a new wall on the southern border would be a top priority. Infamously, he also promised that Mexico would pay for the wall. It was a guarantee he doubled, tripled, quadrupled and more on. At rally after rally, Trump promised the crowd Mexico would pay for the wall.
It’s unclear even how much wall has been completed since Trump took office. The administration points to a “whole lot of WD-40 has been sprayed on gate hinges” as evidence of “major progress” toward keeping Trump’s promise. Mexico has not paid for any of the lubricant, either. In the time since Trump was sworn in, Mexico has on occasion offered to pay for a pizza party to celebrate Trump’s personal lawyer going to jail for lying to Congress, and to pay for Trump’s therapy sessions.
Weighing in at just over one single page, Mexico’s audit is exhaustive, if not extremely brief.
“We didn’t need to waste much paper printing the report,” Mexico’s letter explains, “because as you can see, there isn’t anything to report. Contrary to what the American people were told, Mexico has not paid anything for the wall. However, in the interest of making sure nothing is lost in translation, we have taken the time to find a few English synonyms for the amount of Mexico has pay, and ever will pay, for Mr. Trump’s wall.”
In all, Mexico lists twenty-five different ways to say “zero.”
“None, zilch, squat, bupkus,” Mexico wrote, “these are some of the classic ways you say it in your language. But in any language, the math is quite undeniable. We have paid absolutely nothing toward the wall, and we will continue to spend at the exact same pace for the duration of forever.”
President Trump was reportedly on his D.C area golf course, doing what aides call “the least damaging thing he can do as president.” According to Trump, he was shooting 32 strokes under par when he got the news of Mexico’s audit. Reportedly, Trump threw his entire golf bag off the cart and flopped around on the ground, crying for a moment or two before collecting himself and being driven off the course by his caddy.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”