Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    Retailers Report Sharp Decline in Post-Halloween Democrat Disguise Sales

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The National Retailers Consortium, one of the country’s oldest commerce associations, has released some rather interesting findings of a report they commissioned last week, and it’s unclear at this time what the findings indicate about the direction of the economy.

    “We surveyed dozens of businesses in every state, and the overwhelming majority of them reported a sharp decline in sales of Democrat disguises,” Mark Miller of the NRC told us via Skype today. “Most of them said the decline in sales seemed to come literally on the first day of November.”

    Miller said that while most stores he spoke to said their sales were quite brisk leading up to Halloween, they all reported immediate, precipitous drops in sales just after. It took many retail outlets by surprise, Miller says because “everyone knows peak Democratic voter fraud disguise sales times” start in August and typically run right up until Election Day. This year, however, sales of disguises seemed to plummet to almost non-existent status literally the day after October 31st.

    “Another weird thing is that there were a lot of short people buying Democrat disguises this year,” Miller reported. “Retailers said they sold a lot of disguises to people who didn’t even look old enough to vote, but most told us they figured that, too, was part of the Democratic strategy to win the election, so they didn’t think much of it.”

    The NRC reported on a few of the more popular Democratic disguises as well.

    “People were really into Fortnite this year, but the traditional pirates, ghosts, and zombies did fairly well,” Miller said. “Although many reported confusion from their customers when they asked where zombie costumes were and were led to the section with MAGA hats and Confederate flags.”

    The White House has called on Senate Republicans to launch a full investigation into whether any heavily disguised Democrats might have tried to vote illegally, demand treats, and/or play tricks on unsuspecting Americans during this year’s election season.

    James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.