Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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    Dan Crenshaw: “Now the Liberals Don’t Want Me Loaning IEDs to My Friends?”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Texas Republican Rep. Dan Crenshaw loans his guns to friends unattended. That’s something the country learned this week when Crenshaw took to Twitter to assail universal background checks, claiming that a story out of his home state involving a woman who shot at people trying to rob her is evidence of Americans needing guns to defend themselves.

    Crenshaw tweeted that “with universal background checks [he] wouldn’t be able” to loan his guns to friends. It’s unclear how many guns Crenshaw has given to people without any supervision. It’s also unclear how many of Crenshaw’s friends would not pass a background check.

    It didn’t take long for Twitter to note Crenshaw’s tweet and the baffling nature of an elected official flaunting the fact that he regularly lets people take his guns. One critic in particular was Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Ms. Ocasio-Cortez ripped Crenshaw, asking him how he as a lawmaker could recommend to people that they skirt laws involving background checks. Crenshaw, whose tweet was getting “ratioed” pretty badly already, tried to come back at the freshman Democrat.

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    Crenshaw insinuated that people living in New York aren’t as American as those in rural areas. Mr. Crenshaw still did not and has not addressed whether or not he lets friends who can’t pass background checks borrow his guns.

    Crenshaw was spotted coming out of a meeting of the Republican caucus this morning. He was asked about his recent comments. Not only did he stand by his comments, Crenshaw said “only cucks and unpatriotic dirtbags” don’t lend their guns to friends.

    “Hey, I don’t know what kinds of friends you have out there in Liberal America, but all the guys I doomsday prep with are fine, upstanding, anti-government, white supremacists,” Crenshaw said. “So you know you can trust them. Why? Because I do. And if a white many trust someone, that should be good enough in this country.”

    Rep. Crenshaw told the media representatives that he doesn’t “see what the big deal” about loaning guns to friends is. He said that “no government background check can beat a true patriot’s gut feeling.” Crenshaw said he can tell by “looking at someone” if they are to be trusted with a gun.

    “I’m sorry, but I just don’t see what the big deal is. Maybe I’m being short sighted, and maybe I’m half-blind to all the facts on this issue, but I don’t think so. Guns are great, and I can tell just by looking at someone if they should have a gun or not.”

    Crenshaw worries that if liberals get their way, he won’t be able to “just willy-nilly give a weapon to anyone” he so chooses.

    “Freedom means giving your friends deadly weapons. What’s next,” Crenshaw asked incredulously. “Now the liberals don’t want me loaning IEDs to friends? The Second Amendment doesn’t say anything about just guns. It could mean explosives. Get with the program, libs.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.