Okay, so your incompetent bitch bull of a president didn’t win. You really thought he was going to. After all, how could more people vote for the sleepy pedophile Democrat than your own, sexual predator of a failed businessman? Who in their right minds would judge that their guy would be a better president than the guy who can’t spell, can barely read, and has daily pant-shitting tantrums on Twitter?
Well, as it turns out, at least six million more Americans could vote for the other guy, and not the orange-skinned wannabe tyrant whose death cult you gleefully joined. And now, after years of telling libs to get ready for forty years of a family dynasty — you know, exactly what the founders envisioned and we broke away from Britain to establish? — you’re realizing that all of his idiotic, bumbling, conspiracy peddling lawyers won’t actually be able to establish a banana republic after all, and you’re not sure how to just let all those emotions out and have a big, fat, MAGA-sized cry about it all.
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Well, we’re here to help you. Here are five ways you can cry many tears about your guy losing to the sleepy one, without looking like a total soyboy betacuck.
#1. Go to the Range With Your AR-15 and Let Your Sobs Dictate the Pace of Your Trigger Finger
Crying like a bitch is hard, and it can definitely make men insecure in their masculinity do a “sad.” But if you take your feelings to the local gun range with your AR-15, and then let the rhythm of your massive, heaving sobs dictate your rate of fire, you’re good, patriot! So let those tears and rounds flow!
#2. Grill up a 60-oz Steak, Pour Yourself a Gallon of American Beer, and Cry While You Watch NFL Football
Nothing says manliness like a big steak and a huge beer. So if you want to let out a few gallons of salty, bitter, manbaby tears because your piece of shit conman lost the election, fire up that grill and get a keg of Natty Lite, yo! And then it’s time to lose your body weight in tears, thinking about how many people rejected your clown shoe president.
#3. Pop In A VHS Cassette of Your Championship Football Game from High School and Cry Your Eyes Out
There’s no possible way it can be anything but super-duper manly to cry your eyes out over a political loss while watching yourself win the state championship in football. Sure, you’re being a total snowflake about a reality-TV game show host’s ego, and some weird fear of “socialism,” but when it all boils down, an uncontrolled fit of crying while watching old home movies your athletic career is a very alpha male thing to do.
#4. Change Your Oil While Bawling So Much Your Eyes Hurt
Real, many men have one thing in common — they ALL change their own oil and do other regular maintenance-type stuff on their cars. Men get their hands dirty and greasy while they work their wrenches and power tools. And real, strong men change their oil while they cry so hard about their fascist asshole president losing that it feels like their eyes will fall right out of their skulls.
#5. Grow a Long, Thick Beard, Groom It to Perfect, Then Cry in the Mirror as You Shave It Off
Beards are manly AF. This is undeniably true. You want to look manly, you grow a beard and/or wear pants that accentuate your crotch-hog. Everyone knows this. So let’s say that deep down you really want to cry about your president losing, but want to maintain your gruff, rugged aesthetic. All you have to do is first grow a nice, luxurious, flowing beard, and then you can sit right down, open up a beer, and cry like you did the day the doctor slapped your ass after you fell out of your mama.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.