WASHINGTON, D.C. — It was never any big secret on the Hill. President Donald John Trump, the third impeached president in American history, was never going to be convicted; not with the current generation of elected Republicans controlling the Senate. The Constitution sets an incredibly high bar for removal — two-thirds of the Senate needs to cast that vote — and neither party controls enough seats to remove a president without the help of quite a few members of the opposite party.
One of the president’s staunchest defenders, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters this morning that beyond the politics of the moment, he hopes that Democrats have learned a “valuable lesson” from the last few months.
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“Basically, I pray that the Democrats learn their lesson and put an end to this nonsense of trying to hold the president accountable to the Constitution,” Cruz said, “because as long as we Republicans have a say in it, we’ll shut it down every single time. I hope the Democrats just learned you can’t impeach a monarch in a coronation year. The Constitution may not say it, but we Republicans feel it in the lumps of coal where human hearts are typically found, and that’s usually more than enough for us.”
Sen. Cruz argued that since he and his fellow Republicans decided the best way to defeat the Democrats’ impeachment efforts was to simply crown Trump as King of the Republic, it left the Democrats without any recourse but to “bend the knee.” Cruz said he can “sympathize with the Democrats’ position,” but that he has a “duty to the throne, the crown,” and his political career to accept America’s new monarchy.
“Look, four years ago, I was a booger eating anti-Trumper. I called him a liar. I called him a racist. I told the truth, in other words about him,” Cruz explained. “He mocked my wife’s looks. He told me my dad tried to help assassinate JFK. I was appalled, shocked, outraged, and incensed. But then, Donald Trump won the Republican Party’s nomination, and one morning I woke up and realized my wife is dog ugly. My dad actually did try to help kill JFK. And now, I’m a booger eating loyal subject. They can turn the same corner. They can learn to love the authoritarian mood swings of a spoiled, trust fust racist, reality TV con man God Emperor King as I have.”
Cruz admits that effectively, if not officially, he and his fellow Congressional Republicans have crowned Trump king, and that he says “puts a nail in the coffin” of any attempts to hold him accountable through impeachment.
“You can’t impeach a monarch. Especially in a coronation year. No Supreme Court justices in election years, no impeachments in coronation years. It’s simple. The Constitution just doesn’t provide for it,” Cruz said. “And believe me, when we pass the crown to Princess Ivanka, or one of the two dumber male crotch fruit of the king, they’ll all see. You’ll see. Times change, people change, forms of governments change.”
Americans worried that the Republicans have turned our country forever into the exact kind of monarchy it fought so hard to rebel against should “firstly shut up” and “secondly calm the hell down,” Cruz said.
“Don’t worry America. Once you elect a Democrat president again, we’ll go back to defending the Constitution,” Cruz said. “Of course, that is whatever’s left of it once the Trump family is done lubing it up, fucking it, shredding, eating it, shitting it, setting it on fire, and pissing out the embers, of course.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.