SPAMM MOUNTAIN, WASHINGTON — As he closed down his laptop for the day yesterday, Scott McGee knew he’d “done it,” he told his wife later that night. He’d sent the one email that could make all the difference in America’s fight to combat the spread of the novel coronavirus. McGee owns and managers the Crunch N Bunch gym in town, and like so many business leaders, he decided he simply “had to” send an email to everyone on his company’s mailing list, giving them details on how his gym plans to help fight against COVID-19 spreading further.

“Honey, I don’t want to toot my horn, you know I hate tooting my own horn, but  you know what? I gotta say it, TOOT TOOT,” McGee said to Clara, his wife, as he came into the kitchen last night. “I’ve read all those other COVID-19 emails from CEOs, and frankly, I think there’s suck compared to mine. Honestly, babe, I think I’m gonna win some kind of award for this.”

Update: There Are Still LEGO On The Goddamned Floor

Across the country, and indeed around the world, users started reporting an onslaught of emails in their inboxes from various large corporations’ CEOs, addressing what their company is doing to help combat COVID-19. Mostly, they’re announcing their staff are working remotely when possible, and that they’re taking extra steps to make sure their campuses are disinfected. Scott’s email was largely the same, but with a couple of key differences, he said.

“For starters, I made sure to use the official name, ‘COVID-19’ so that people took me and my email extra seriously. Also, I included a couple of really inspirational quotes from a couple different Arnold Schwarzenegger films,” Scott said. “One from Pumping Iron, which I thought was hella appropriate for our clientele, and one from Kindergarten Cop because it’s always funny when you get to use the words ‘penis’ and ‘vagina.’ That one was a little gender binary though, if I’m being honest.”

With so many in his town under self-quarantine under the advisement of the federal government, Scott decided to use his COVID-19 email as a chance to also announce his gym would shutter at least until the beginning of next month. McGee is hopeful that his business can benefit from any of the stimulus proposals currently being floated on the Hill, but he said for right now he’s just taking a victory lap for such a job well done on the email.

“Am I saying I deserve some kind of award for this email? Yes, I am. I’m not saying it has to be a Nobel Prize or anything, but, hey, if they have a Nobel Prize for corporate emails,” Scott suggested, “maybe I could be at least nominated for one. I know I’ll have a lot of competition from all the other CEOs who sent coronavirus emails, but, I’m telling you, those Schwarzenegger quotes should win it for me. And if not, then I would think my subtle but multiple workout puns would seal the deal.”

Crunch N Bunch will close its doors to the public starting tomorrow, and not re-open for at least two weeks. Scott offered to personally drive a treadmill or set of free weights to any of his clients that still want to workout while under coronavirus quarantine.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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