Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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    Kellyanne Conway Plans to Move to South Dakota

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Senior Lie Advisor Kellyanne Conway told the media today that she is in the process of moving to the state of South Dakota.

    “I saw a new ad, and I think it was from the South Dakota tourism board, and it said that everyone in the state is on meth,” Conway explained, “so needless to say that really perked my ears up. I’ve always longed to really fit in where I live, and I’m pretty sure this is the best chance I’ll ever have to do so.”

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    Late last week, ads started airing in South Dakota promoting the state’s anti-meth initiatives. Many of wondered whether the slogan, “Meth. We’re On It,” conveyed the message they were hoping to convey. Whether or not that’s the case, Conway said the ads she saw were “very convincing” and she “can’t wait” to get to South Dakota and make friends.

    “I tell you what, a lot of people around here don’t really get me. They don’t really understand me, even though in this White House we’re all on the same page,” Conway explained. “Out in South Dakota, though, it sounds like I’d have a real chance to connect with my kinds of people.”

    Conway referenced an old, popular TV sitcom’s theme song as further reasoning for her desire to move to The Mount Rushmore State.

    “Remember that sitcom Cheers? They used that theme song where the lyrics go, ‘Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name,'” Conway said. “It’s the same kinda deal here. Except instead of going where everybody know my name, I wanna go where everybody knows my drug of choice.”

    Ms. Conway famously coined the phrase “alternative facts” when referring to lies told by Trump and his surrogates. She also once wondered aloud if the Obama administration had left spying devices in the microwaves in the White House. It’s long been rumored that she smokes crack, but Conway quickly put those rumors to bed this morning.

    “And let me just say, I hope this puts all those rumors about Kellyanne Conway smoking crack to rest,” she said forcefully. “You write this down. Quote me accurately now, you hear? I do not now, nor will I ever smoke crack. I’m a meth head. Always have been, always will be. They used to call me Kellymeth Conmeth back in the day; that’s how much I truly love meth!”

    A spokesperson for the National Meth Users Association of America told the media today that she wanted to “make it abundantly clear” that she and her organization “want nothing to do with” Conway, however. She reiterated several times that Conway “may be a meth addict” but that the majority of members of the NMUAA find Conway’s views on several issues “more disgusting than meth mouth.”

    “Hey, we may all be doing meth, but most of us would never kidnap a baby from its parents at the border and lock up people in concentration camps,” NMUAA Spokeswoman Glenda Gilrich told reporters. “We just want to make it abundantly clear: Kelly Conway may be a meth addled moron, but there’s not enough meth in the universe to make the majority of us think we live in a universe where there are good people who march with Nazis.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.