I have a very important question to ask all of you who read this, and I realize from the outset that this might be a question I should have asked ahead of time. Now, I’m not completely sure I made a few decisions in the right way, and after months of behaving accordingly, I think it’s at least possible that I’ve been going about it all wrong, right from the beginning.
In fact, I may have landed myself in some legal jeopardy, and so I am hoping that someone — anyone — out there can answer this simple question for me.
“Is It Illegal to Accuse Someone of Being a Communist If I Don’t Know What Communism Is?”
Because, boy howdy have I been calling so many people “commies” lately. I just log onto Facetweets and start throwing around the C-word at everybody who I think has politics that align even a centimeter to the left of my own. I think it’s accurate for me to call everyone I interact with a full-blown commie cuck socialist, but the other day someone I called a commie asked me something and I can’t lie, it took me aback.
“Hey, out of curiosity,” this smug libtard asked me, “can you tell me what communism is, by chance?”
At first, I was gonna just hit him with a #LetsGoBrandon, remind him that Donald Trump was his president, and then report his question for hate speech like I always do. But for whatever reason, him asking me to define communism made something happen in my brain that really hardly ever happens at all.
I started to think.
Do I know what communism is? Do I know the differences between socialism and communism? Are there any differences? Does my cousin need to get an abortion before six weeks if we conceived in Texas, but live in Oklahoma?
So I decided to keep right on calling people commies whenever I felt like it. Because it’s a free country, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to baselessly smear them. Then, though, I remembered that no matter how badly I wanted Trump to win either the election or his insurrection, he didn’t, and now the George Soros Cancel Culture Squad is in charge. For all I know, they might have ended free speech and made it illegal to call someone a commie if you don’t know what communism is.
I don’t know that I’ll ever answer most of those questions, to be honest. I realized that I really don’t know what communism is. After all, my parents rightly taught me not to trust anything a teacher tells me, and that reading is a slippery slope to knowledge, which is death to conservatism. So why would I read anything written by Marx? Why would I try to educate myself, when I could make assumptions and accusations instead?
That’s where you folks come in. If anyone can answer that question for me, and let me know if it’s still legal to act like Joseph McCarthy without an elected title, please contact me here at this outlet. You can email me here: [email protected]
Help me, please!
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.