Sunday, March 26, 2023
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    Chamber of Commerce: White Sheet Sales Up 72% Since January 2017

    The U.S. Chamber of Commerce announced on Monday that retailers across the country are reporting a 72% increase in white sheet sales.

    “It’s the damndest thing,” Roger Jefferson told reporters in a bi-monthly call the Chamber holds with news outlets, “we’re seeing a huge, 72% spike in white sheet sales. In red states, it’s a 235% increase!” Jefferson said that the COC is currently commissioning a new report to see if they can ascertain just what is causing the sudden surge in demand for crisp, clean white sheets.

    Mr. Jefferson told reporters on the call that various textile industry CEOs are worried that if the surge in demand for white sheets continues to escalate at its precipitous pace, the world may run completely out of white cotton fabric, or indeed out of all white fabric material.

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    “If we could just figure out what was causing so many brand new, virgin white sheets from being sold, particularly in red states,” Jefferson opined, “we could maybe figure out how to meet their needs without keeping various hotels and home consumers from being able to purchase white sheets for themselves.”

    The textile industry isn’t the only to see an enormous spike in demand in the last few months either. Jefferson said the lumber industry has seen an “enormous explosion in sales of large, wooden, lower case T’s.”

    “Wooden T’s are flying off the shelves, which is weird because they came into fashion back in the early 20th century in the south,” Jefferson said, “so we’re not sure why all of a sudden there’d be new demand for them, but there you have it.” Jefferson said that sales of rope and little yellow star-shaped embroidery patches have also seen a tremendous surge in domestic sales.

    Sales of all kinds of products that haven’t been popular enough to chart their numbers are suddenly selling at a brisk pace. Jefferson said that “even the antique shop industry is reporting huge spikes in the sales of early 20th century racist propaganda like Golliwog dolls” are being reported as well. Mr. Jefferson said he’s hopeful the new report he’s commissioned will shed light on just what, exactly, is causing demand for all these products to climb in the last several weeks.

    In an unrelated story, Donald J. Trump was sworn-in as president in January of 2017 and has enjoyed the highest job disapproval rating of any president since a president’s job approval has been tracked.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.