Friday, June 9, 2023
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    CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Centers for Disease Control have issued a fresh new set of guidelines aimed at helping to stem the tide of the global coronavirus pandemic. The new guidelines suggest that Americans consider washing their hands for “at least as long as it takes to masturbate.”

    “To be clear, this guidance is for people who have, or will be going to, masturbate,” the CDC said in a written statement. “If you have not just completed masturbating, or do not plan to masturbate any time soon, you should continue to follow previously posted guidelines for the length of time you should be scrubbing your hands with soap and warm water.”

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    A pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus has been wreaking havoc all across the world, starting months ago. It took several weeks, but the virus has broken out in the United States, and the CDC has been working overtime to help educate Americans in ways to greatly mitigate their risk of exposure to the disease. They’ve issued guidelines suggesting that Americans start canceling or postponing large gatherings, and to practice “social distancing” at smaller ones. But because life is complicated, the CDC has even attempted to find ways that Americans can be safer from infection in some perhaps non-traditional avenues of human activity, such as giving guidance on safely giving and receiving handjobs.

    In general, Montoya said that maintaining a safe distance from both someone’s genitals, and “whatever comes out of them,” while giving handjobs during an outbreak is the key to staying as safe as one can. While Dr. Montoya believes that there “can’t be too many precautions taken,” the CDC also knows they need to keep in mind that “during the heat of the moment,” trying to remember a lot of tips, facts, and guidelines might be difficult, so the pared their primer down to just some “key essentials.” (The Pastiche Post)

    The newly published CDC guidelines on hand washing after masturbation came in the same vein as the guidance on handjobs, the CDC’s spokesperson said during a radio interview this morning.

    “What we realized is, after we published the handjob guidelines, that we should probably issue some further guidance for people who give themselves handjobs,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the CDC said on NPR this morning. “So we said the same team who worked on the handjob pamphlet work on the hand-washing after spanking it one, and we think this continues to be some of their best, most vital work in their careers. We’re really hopeful that if enough people read these advisories, the spread of infection will be greatly reduced.”

    In general, the CDC says that Americans should be “washing their hands often” anyway, but chronic and even casual masturbators should “strongly consider increasing their hand washing” during the outbreak.

    “And when you do wash your hands after manipulating your own genitals, remember to take enough time as it takes to thoroughly clean and disinfect your hands,” the CDC guidance suggests. “Perhaps replaying the adult film clip you used as your masturbatory aid, and washing your hands for exactly as far into the clip as it took you to finish, should be your guidepost for how long to wash your hands for. Don’t finish washing before you finished coming, is one good rule of thumb. While we’re talking about it, thumbs inserted in rectums during masturbation should also be thoroughly washed and sanitized after you finish up as well.”

    For more information, visit the CDC’s website.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.