OMG! Those wacky libs are at it again with their golly-goshdarned cancel culture bullcrap! First they cancel a lovely woman who happened to be like the sixth or seventh least terrible actor on The Mandalorian just because she wouldn’t stop tweeting offensive, stupid things her employer repeatedly asked her not to tweet. Then, they had the audacity to cancel Mr. Potato Head’s penis! And if that wasn’t enough, they just canceled some Dr. Seuss content just because it was racist or whatever!
Do these clowns think we’ll just sit back and let them keep holding people accountable and shifting our social views of things when we realize we were wrong about something? It seems so! But never fear, Super Patriots! We found five things that, try as they might, the libs won’t ever be able to cancel!
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#1. Telling Racist Jokes to Your Fellow Church Congregants
Look, Cancel Culture can invade every space imaginable. You could tweet a harmless racist joke and lose your job. But cancel culture can’t cancel GOD! So if you want to tell that same HILARIOUS racist joke to your fellow churchgoers, by all means go for it! Tell those woke libs to stuff it, and make racism funny again!
#2. Rolling Your Eyes When People of Color Complain About Cops Killing Them During Routine Traffic Stops
Ugh. We GET IT already! Cops, are like, really bad at policing unless they’re assigned to a mostly white area. But, like, what do you expect all of US to do about it…something instead of having complete apathy? What kinda socialism is that?!
#3. Pretending Christians Are Persecuted in a Country That Celebrates Easter and Christmas as Federally Recognized Holidays
We all know that Cancel Culture is a very real thing, and not just a figment of our overactive imaginations and/or us trying to cope with the idea that not everyone shares our social and cultural values! And all the evidence you need of its very real existence is the War on Christmas. Christians are the most persecuted group in this country, as evidenced by the fact that all our specific religious holidays are officially, federally recognized holidays. Because nothing says “persecuted minority” like everyone being forced to recognize your personal religious traditions multiple times each year.
#4. The Qult of Donald John Trump
Maybe we can’t make the South rise again, fam, but we can do something even better in 2024 – we can make Make America Great Again Great Again! That’s right! They won’t know when MAGAGA hits ‘em! They’ll never take our precious president from us, and if Q says it, we still believe it.
#5. Thinking, But Not Saying. the N-Word
Of course we all know that liberal scientists are working hard to develop the technology to read our thoughts so they can put us in jail for thought crimes. Alex Jones has warned us about that project for years. But for now, anyway, they can’t cancel what they can’t hear. So keep all your glorious, racist, free hate speech in your head, and they can’t do anything but look at you all puzzled-like when you crack yourself up with a HILARIOUS racist anecdote.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.