Friday, June 9, 2023
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    Nothing Out Of The Ordinary Happens After California Man Smokes Legal Weed

    RAIN CANYON, CALIFORNIA — Authorities in California are confirming that over the weekend a man partook of legal, recreational marijuana. California State authorities are also confirming that, in the words of the governor’s spokeswoman, “nothing really happened,” as a result.

    Harold Mezzanotte-Soffio says that last Friday night he got off work at a local restaurant, where he’s been the general manager for six years, and he stopped by a local marijuana retailer in his town. There he says he purchased three grams of a strain called “Death Star OG,” two cookies baked with marijuana in the recipe, and a couple of “pre-rolls,” or joints. Harold told us that he then arrived at home, where his wife and two children — ages 12 and 9 — were waiting for him. It was Taco Friday in the Mezzanotte-Soffio home, so Harold says he satisfied his post-work hunger with three of his wife’s delicious carnitas tacos. After dinner, Harold and his wife Susan watched “Iron Man 3” with their kids, who then went to bed after the movie was complete.

    Mezzanotte-Soffio says it was at that point that he went into the garage to partake of some of the marijuana he had purchased earlier that evening. Harold says that after grinding up a bit of his Death Star OG he put the ground-up material into his vaporizer, warmed up the unit, and then once the internal temperature of the metal cylinder inside had reached 415 degrees, he took a few long, slow deep breaths.

    Susan Mezzanotte-Soffio told us she “has zero problems” with her husband’s recreational marijuana use because “he doesn’t spend the last three hours of every night freaked out about the next day at work” and “he is genuinely happier when he gets to relieve the stress in his life this way.” Susan told us she actually enjoys spending time with her husband when he’s stoned because he “doesn’t change into a horrific demon monster” when he smokes pot, but rather “he just gets giggly and sometimes talks a lot about stuff he finds funny.”

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    It was then that he started to feel the effects of the THC and cannabinoids in his blood stream. His body was “tingly” and “felt like it was pulsating just a bit.” Mezzanotte-Soffio says he felt happy, less stressed about his job, and suddenly found himself thinking that a strawberry or slice of pineapple would taste “fucking amazeballstastic.” Harold told us that he looked at the clock and noticed it was 11:15 PM, so he queued up “Garfunkel and Oates” on Netflix, and “laughed [his] balls off for about an hour or so.” Then, Mezzanotte-Soffio says he smoked one of the pre-rolled joints he had purchased, and he played Minecraft until 2:00 AM, when he went to bed.

    The next day, he woke up, took his family to the farmer’s market, and then spent the rest of the day doing the things he usually does on a Saturday. “Yeah, I mean really nothing at all happened on Friday night,” Mezzanotte-Soffio told us as he was finishing the interview. “I just smoked some pot, watched some TV, played some video games and went to bed.” Marijuana has been legal recreationally in California for a little over one year. There has not been a spike in crime reported since.

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    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.