British Ambassador Promises To Stop Having Opinions That Are Based In Fact

MERRY OLD LONDON TOWN IN JOLLY OLD ENG-UH-LAND — British Ambassador to the US, Kim Darroch, has found himself at the center of a swirling international controversy, based around leaked cables he sent regarding the Donald Trump presidential administration, and the president himself.

Britain’s Ambassador to Washington has described Donald Trump as ‘inept’, ‘insecure’ and ‘incompetent’ in a series of explosive memos to Downing Street.

Sir Kim Darroch, one of Britain’s top diplomats, used secret cables and briefing notes to impugn Trump’s character, warning London that the White House was ‘uniquely dysfunctional’ and that the President’s career could end in ‘disgrace’. (Daily Mail)

The cables contain what can only be described as embarrassing opinions that Darroch holds about Trump and his staff. The relationship between the UK and the US has been strained of late already, and this incident could possibly cause more division between the White House and even conservatives in Great Britain. Darroch works for outgoing PM Theresa May, who has said in spite of the controversy over his cables that she still has “full confidence” in Darroch.

For his part, Trump has taken a few swipes at Darroch on Twitter.

There have been some calls from pro-Trump voices for Mr. Darroch to resign his post. It’s unclear if he will do so, especially given May’s very recent vocal support. However, at a press conference assembled in front of the Parliament building this morning, Darroch apologized profusely and promised to change his behavior permanently, in an effort to avoid this kind of scandal again.

“Primarily I want to say sorry to everyone for starting an international kerfuffle with my opinions,” Darroch told reporters, “I should have remembered that the current occupant of the White House has skin so thin you can see his internal organs. While we may all admire the lofty paradigm of freedom of expression, there is a president who considers free speech a threat, and I must simply take that more into account before sending cables that contain my opinions.”

Mr. Darroch solemnly promised to alter the way he arrives at his opinions, as well.

“I will no longer consider facts or evidence when forming an opinion,” Darroch said. “Clearly we live in a time when facts are not as important as the feelings of some. Those feelings are so raw that it makes people get super-duper upset when you say things that are really quite obvious to even the most casual of observer. If I had sent a cable advising that water was still wet, would anyone be nearly as upset as when I called that man inept or incompetent?”

The White House has formally rejected Darroch’s apologies and demanded that Queen Elizabeth punish him harshly for his “insults and transgressions of opinion.”

“Maybe she can do one of those ‘off with his head’ things from Alice in Wonderland,” President Trump was overheard suggesting to staff. “Or lock him up in the London Tower. He needs to pay for his crimes, and pay bigly.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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