COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster, YouTube personality, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins considers himself to be a “dyed in the wool, washed by the blood of the lamb” Evangelical Christian. Bohiggins has a tattoo on his right buttock that reads “If you don’t love Christ, you can kiss this,” and he’s a self-identified Christian Patriot Warrior who belongs to no less than six different militias in his home state. Jethro is also a devout, proud pro-life social conservative who wants abortion outlawed, and the doctors and patients who engage in them thrown behind bars for life.
Jethro told his podcast audience this week that he’s also “completely and totally, 100% behind” any wars that President Trump starts with Iran.
“All you socialist commie libtard cucks cryin’ your tears of sadness, worrying about World War III breaking out can go find a safe space and cry it out,” Bohiggins ranted. “Save your tears for the trillions of babies you pinko fucks abort every day! Spare me your sadness over a war started by our good, clean, white president! I support this war with every fiber of my being.”
As a “cost of war,” Bohiggins said he understands that there could be many thousands of innocent civilians killed, as was the case in the Iraq War. Jethro insists that “no matter how many civies die,” the cause is just because “Trump says so.” A few thousand dead Iranian and/or Iraqi children, Jethro suggests, is the “price we pay to live in America with all our freedoms and shit.”
“Look, y’all, I’m not even all that bothered by the idea of a pregnant Iranian or Iraqi woman getting bombed by mistake, if I’m being honest with you,” Jethro said. “I’m sorry. I know that might offend some of the snowflake left out there, but the simple fact is that war is a glorious, heavenly act, sanctioned by God so long as its carried out by a Republican administration. And I won’t listen to any hyper-partisan rhetoric from the Demo-craps and their godless, amoral heathen supporters to the contrary! A few thousand dead babies for the sake of freedom? Sounds like a bargain to me!”
Bohiggins says it’s his faith in God that allows him to put so much faith and trust in Trump’s decision making.
“I believe in traditional Christian values. What’s more Christian than trusting the word of a lifelong conman and womanizer,” Bohiggins asked. “And if you tell me that man ain’t Christian, I’ll just point out that he wants to fuck his own daughter, and incest is very a much a thing in the Bible, so CHECK. FUCKIN’. MATE. LIB. TARDS.”
As much as he supports a war with Iran, however, that doesn’t mean Jethro will be enlisting to serve in it. But that doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried to sign up. Bohiggins said he’s been rejected by every branch of the armed forces and “even the local dog catchers” in the last week. So, he says he’ll have to support Trump’s war with Iran in other ways.
“Believe me, fam, if I could pass my psych eval, get into shape, and delete all my online manifestos, the U.S. Armed Forces would take me in a heartbeat,” Jethro insisted. “As it is, though, they won’t, and they’ve literally told me I can no longer wear my army general costume I got from Amazon and pass myself off as one of them. So I will have to support this war as every good Trumper does — with my words. My angry, jingoistic, xenophobic Islamaphobia will help keep the patriotic fires burning back home, fam!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.