WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Attorney General of the United States has issued a formal summation of the summary of the transcript of a call between President Trump and the Ukrainian president, in which it seems that Trump and his counterpart discussed opening an investigation into former Vice President Joe Biden and his son. While many of Trump’s supporters have insisted there’s no specific, named quid pro quo in the call, critics point out the “transcript” released by the White House is not complete, and does contain several easily identified veiled references to Ukraine helping Trump and Trump in return helping the Ukraine.
Attorney General William Barr decided to release his own summary of the summary of the transcript today, the Department of Justice said in a written release that accompanied Barr’s summary. AG Barr writes that he’s “giving the phone call the Mueller Report treatment” and that means “slicing, dicing, cherry picking, and obfuscating” wherever necessary to turn the transcript into something “easily digested by a gullible base.”
The summary, written personally by Barr, according to sources close to the situation, is not lengthy to say the least. In fact, the summary Barr wrote of the Ukraine call is much shorter than even his summary of the Mueller Report, which condensed thousands of pages into a short paragraph. Barr’s summary of the Ukraine call contains just six words.
“Trump didn’t do shit, I promise,” the summary reads very simply.
Mr. Barr’s summary does not contain any other text, context, or clues as to why the DOJ decided not to open an investigation into Trump’s call, based on the whistleblower complaint and the Inspector General’s alarm at it. Instead, he simply signed his name. There is a brown smear on the bottom of the paper where it’s presumed Barr wiped the paper on his rather large anus before signing it.
“Welp, you read it yourself folks,” Trump shouted at reporters at the U.N. this morning. “Billy Barr said. And if my own, personal Attorney General says it, you can take that shit to the bank. Count it. I’m innocent as hell. I’ve never lied. I’ve never done anything you could even consider bad. Don’t believe me? I think Billy Barr will have another letter out on that subject soon. And of course by letter I mean a single sentence that says exactly what my dumbfuck base wants to hear.”
Senator Ted Cruz, who famously was mocked along with his wife by Trump during the 2016 presidential election, continued his total subservience to the president ever since he took office.
“Clearly this Barr summary of the Ukraine transcript summary is the most important and exculpatory document in the history of all things ever,” Cruz said. “Of course this is the kind of thing the founders wanted to see from the government they created — a totally partisan usage of the levers of government that are supposed to keep it honest and accountable. And now, a few more words of complete sophist pabulum, if you don’t mind, followed by a dud of a joke referencing pop culture created by artists who hate my fucking guts. Ready?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.