Everyone knows it’s coming. The former president warned us — only he could protect the most important day in the history of humanity from the savage attacks of liberals as they wage their very real War on Christmas. Yet, despite his warnings, the country made the mistake of electing Joe Biden last year, which started the clock ticking down to the moment we know is coming; we just don’t know when, exactly, he’ll issue the order.
When Will Biden Officially Cancel Christmas This Year?
As with each time we ask such a question, we turn to the experts; the ones who understand not just America, but it’s political landscape. Most could not or would not venture a guess as to the exact day Biden will put the kibosh on Christ’s birthday party plans, some did, while others hedged their bets.
Dan Bongino, Disgraced Former Secret Service Agent, Multiple-failed Congressional Candidate, Rush Limbaugh Without the Charm and Charisma
“My name is Dan Bongino, and Matt Palumbo, my antisemitic, white nationalist, closeted Brony fact checker is a piece of shit. That’s all I want to say right now. Matt Palumbo is a giant, racist, sack of stupid shit.”
John Barron, D-List Reality-TV Gameshow Host/Con Man
“I know the exact date Sleepy Ko-Keepy will cancel Christmas. I have the exact date, right here in my pocket, written on a lovely piece of paper. I could tell you the date. I could. Because I totally know it. Maybe if you give me a thousand bucks I’ll tell you. Maybe I won’t. Who knows? But I definitely, for sure, know the exact date. Yup. I definitely do. Hey, can I borrow your Twitter account for a few hours?”
Dr. Miguel LinDelTaco, Prof. of Political Science, Trump University
“Before I answer this question, I want the record to reflect my name, and that it’s definitely not Mike Lindell, and that I 100% do not own any pillow companies. Oh, and also that I most definitely do not smoke crack. Oh, and that Don Trump will be reinstated as president by the end of 2045. Oh, and that I’m not Mike Lindell. Wait, did I already say that? Okay, what was your question again? Oh! Of course. Biden will cancel Christmas on November 31st.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO)
“In his sick little commie heart, I’m sure he canceled it years ago. Even when he was taking communion, and praying, and using his rosaries. I’m sure, I’m positive he hates Christmas, even though he celebrates it every year, and has his entire life! Now, if you’ll excuse me, someone has to fart my brain back into my head!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.