It started simply enough. A tweet written by conservative commentator and agitator Candace Owens mocked pop star Harry Styles for his decision to wear dresses during his recent photoshoot for Vogue. But by the end of the day, Owens’ boss Ben Shapiro was frantically trying to find medical attention for his wife’s pussy.
First, Owens’ tweet. It’s unclear exactly why she decided to attack Styles for his choice of fashion, however, Candace obviously believes the pop singer is a card carrying communist because he occasionally wears a dress. Owens drew a parallel between Styles fashion sense and “Marxism” being taught to school children, though she didn’t state where, exactly, this is taking place.
There is no society that can survive without strong men. The East knows this. In the west, the steady feminization of our men at the same time that Marxism is being taught to our children is not a coincidence.
It is an outright attack.
Bring back manly men. https://t.co/sY4IJF7VkK
— Candace Owens (@RealCandaceO) November 14, 2020
By mid-morning, “Marxism” was trending on Twitter, along with Owens and her tweet on the subject. Many users mocked Owens for conflating socialism or communism with fashion choices, and several brought up historical instances of soldiers wearing skirts, kilts, or dresses in battle. That’s when Shapiro, who employs Owens as a contributor to his Daily Wire website, came to her defense.
This is perfectly obvious. Anyone who pretends that it is not a referendum on masculinity for men to don floofy dresses is treating you as a full-on idiot. https://t.co/cioUNBh4bi
— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) November 16, 2020
What transpired over the next few hours was reportedly “Ben’s worst nightmare,” according to one witness very close to the scene. Shapiro, exiting his home office and putting his big boy booster seat away for the night in the process, he recounted the day’s events to his wife. Shapiro reportedly laughed as he told his spouse about how “crazy liberals” think someone could wear a dress and still be considered masculine.
In order to prove his point to his wife, who was doing a very good job continuing to look like she was listening to him while she fantasized about having married a real, live human instead of a small wooden puppet, Ben dug out a DVD copy of the Mel Gibson cinematic vehicle “Braveheart.”
“Wifely wife, come,” Shapiro beckoned his wife to him, “I want to show you this feature-length motion picture. I must warn you, however, that you might end up laughing pretty hysterically. Because, wife, there are men in this movie wearing skirts, and we both know how comical that whole notion is.”
Laughing, Shapiro started the movie. For a good amount of time, our source says nothing of note really happened while they watched. However, about an hour into it, Shapiro’s wife became extremely alarmed. Screaming in terror, she told Ben that “something is wrong” with her vagina.
“Husbandly Husband! Something is amiss with my pussy,” Shapiro’s wife, whose name we redacted at her request to maintain the couple’s power dynamic, “it’s never, ever been this wet before!”
Shapiro couldn’t believe it.
“Never? Oh my God! What did I do to your pussy, my wife,” Shapiro asked with devastation. “I…can’t believe it. I flooded your pussy, and I’ll never forgive myself for this! But don’t worry! I have millions of fans and followers on social media! They’ll help us fix your broken pussy!”
That’s when Shapiro took to social media, desperately looking for medical help for his wife.
“Please! I beg you! She says that seeing all those men in those kilts broke her pussy,” Shapiro said in one Instagram story, now deleted. “She said it was like someone took a jackhammer to the Hoover Dam, if the Hoover Dam were her pussy, and the jackhammer was all those hot men in kilts.”
By the time of publication, Shapiro was seen rushing into his bedroom with a crate of paper towels, hoping to just sop up his wife’s fluids until they are able to find a more permanent solution.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.