Saturday, September 30, 2023
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    Scientists Can Finally Prove Which Trump Can Outsmart a Bag of Hammers

    After years of speculation and wonder, scientists at a leading research lab have published a study that they say supports a formula the team wrote for determining which member of the Trump family is smarter than a bag of hammers. The question of whether President Donald Trump or any of the people related to him are more or less intelligent than a sack filled to the brim with hammers, or even rocks, has long been a question that scientists around the globe attempted to answer. While a 2008 study gave researchers insights into whether the Trump klan was smarter than a bowl of pudding, comparing their intellect to a large bag full of hammers was always considered to be a question too difficult for modern tools and techniques.

    That is, until the University of Northwest Eastern Ohio of Pennsylvania’s bio-research department released their report entitled, “Are There Any Trumps Who Can Outwit a Bag of Hammers?” Now, the team who conducted the landmark study has begun to do TV and radio interviews, explaining their findings. This morning, Dr. Carol Malloy, the woman who headed up the team, discussed the study on W-FRT in Kentucky.

    “What we found was an equation for determining if a Trump, or someone who is sleeping with a Trump, is smarter or dumber than a bag of hammers,” Dr. Malloy said. “We even were able to write a formula for people who are both — related to a Trump and sleeping with him. We call it the Ivanka Theorem.”

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    It doesn’t matter what kind of hammers are in the bag, or what the bag is made of, Malloy said. Neither factored into the results, she said.

    “Whether it’s a burlap sack of sledgehammers, or a plastic bag full of claw hammers,” Malloy said, “our formula works the same every time. No matter what. The results are more predictable than a racist rant from a Fox News host.”

    Malloy told the radio host this morning that the formula for verifying whether a Trump is smarter than a bag of hammers is actually more reliable and consistent in its results than other, much more famous scientific equations.

    “It turns out, we came up with the Pythagorean theory of Trump stupidity,” Malloy said. “Except there’s no squaring of A, B, or C involved. Or any math, really. What we determined is that you don’t even need math, or even to use the scientific method!”

    Dr. Malloy explained further.

    “All you really need to do is verify that you’re being asked if a Trump is dumber or smarter than a box of rocks,” Malloy said. “Every Trump, every single one of them, is dumber than a bag of hammers. If you ask our team, there are two constants in the known universe — change, and the stupidity of the Trump family.”

    President Trump has reportedly vowed to avenge his family’s honor, in light of the news.

    “First of off, everyone knows I’m smarter than every hammer out there because it’s in the Constitution, okay? It says right there, in bold, under the part about God or guns or some bullshit,” Trump yelled at reporters, “It says, ‘President Trump, not just any president, PRESIDENT TRUMP, is smarter than everyone and everything, including a bag of hammers, so shut up you libtarded idiot radical Bob Mueller Democrats or you’ll get put in the Mexican concentration camps.’ It says it. Right there. Plain as day. Why would I lie? I never lie! I was just telling George Washington and Elvis the other day how much I don’t lie, and they told me they believed me.”

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    James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.