James Schlarmann 
Coronavirus Quarantine Hand Washing Has Man Starting to Enjoy the Feel of Sandpaper on His Junk
CHAFED WOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA — Local stock trader Jay Hodges told friends in a ...
Man Wishes His Imaginary Friends Would Just Get Along With His Made-Up Wife
ILLUSORY FIELDS, KENTUCKY — A local man has “had it up to here” and ...
Town Passes Law Allowing You to Shit on TP Hoarders’ Lawns
LAKE PELOUSE DE MERDE, WISCONSIN — On a 3-2 vote, the local city council ...
5 Fun Hospitals For That Perfect Spring Break Getaway
You’re young! You’re hip! You’re down to party, and damn it, it’s SPRING BREAK! ...
Local Man Not Defensive, But Why Are You Even Asking?!
OBTUSE GARDENS, ILLINOIS — No. No. No. No. No. It doesn’t matter how many times ...
Local Gym Owner Confident His COVID-19 Email Just Made All the Difference
SPAMM MOUNTAIN, WASHINGTON — As he closed down his laptop for the day yesterday, ...
Houston Astros in Talks to Sign Tom Brady
HOUSTON, TEXASS — Major League Baseball’s Houston Astros have reportedly reached out to the ...
CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Centers for Disease Control have issued a fresh new set ...
Update: There Are Still LEGO On The Goddamned Floor
EL PIESANGRIENTO, CALIFORNIA — Sources are confirming at the time of publications that, despite ...
12 Pictures of Kittens So Cute You’ll Want to Punch a Nun
Around this office, we’re big fans of cute little kittens. You could say we ...
