James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

Taco Bell Unveils New “Nacho Cheese Chalu-IPA” Craft Beer

IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — Alleged food purveyor Taco Bell will be the latest California-based company ...

White Claw Reveals Its 7 Least Popular Flavors

Adult beverage maker White Claw has become quite popular over the last year or ...

4 Ways to Tell If You Use the Word “Sheeple” Too Much

There are certain words in the English language that are categorically terrible, stupid, idiotic ...

Town Passes Law Allowing You to Shit on TP Hoarders’ Lawns

LAKE PELOUSE DE MERDE, WISCONSIN — On a 3-2 vote, the local city council ...

5 Fun Hospitals For That Perfect Spring Break Getaway

You’re young! You’re hip! You’re down to party, and damn it, it’s SPRING BREAK! ...

Local Man Not Defensive, But Why Are You Even Asking?!

OBTUSE GARDENS, ILLINOIS — No. No. No. No. No. It doesn’t matter how many times ...

Local Gym Owner Confident His COVID-19 Email Just Made All the Difference

SPAMM MOUNTAIN, WASHINGTON — As he closed down his laptop for the day yesterday, ...

Houston Astros in Talks to Sign Tom Brady

HOUSTON, TEXASS — Major League Baseball’s Houston Astros have reportedly reached out to the ...