James Schlarmann 
Fire Chief Robert T. Moron Suggests Without Smoke Alarms There’d Be No Arson
RIO ESTUPIDO, TEXAS — At a weekly press conference today, Fire Chief Robert T. ...
Adorable! This Cop Just Tear-Gassed The Protesters He Knelt With Less Than 12 Hours Ago!
This is one of the cutest things you’ll ever see, and we’re not even ...
Local Cop Will Stop Beating the Fuck Out of You As Soon as You Stop Resisting the Beating
St. EMMETTILL, ILLINOIS — This hero with a badge will stop beating the living ...
Coronavirus Update: Area Flasher Desperate for Parks to Open Up Again
NOIX NUES, LOUISIANA — Chad Stripley has really not enjoyed his time under coronavirus ...
5 Signs You’re Oppressed and Not Just Being Asked to Skip Sunbathing So Humanity Survives a Pandemic
As the nation, and indeed the planet, attempts to grapple with how to recover ...
Man’s Dick Denies All Liability For His Actions
VILLAGE DES SaUCISSES, LOUISIANA — Garth Blanston’s dick does not and will not take ...
UPDATE: No YOU’RE Drinking Too Much During the Coronavirus Quarantine, Asshole!
Oh, oh, you think I’ve had too much to drink, do you? You think ...
Taco Bell Unveils New “Nacho Cheese Chalu-IPA” Craft Beer
IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — Alleged food purveyor Taco Bell will be the latest California-based company ...
White Claw Reveals Its 7 Least Popular Flavors
Adult beverage maker White Claw has become quite popular over the last year or ...
4 Ways to Tell If You Use the Word “Sheeple” Too Much
There are certain words in the English language that are categorically terrible, stupid, idiotic ...
