PORT TONTOCOMO UNACAJA DEROCAS, ALABAMA — In a sleepy Alabama port town, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R), welcomes our reporter to his favorite local “greasy spoon” diner.
“They have the absolute best breakfast here,” Thompaulsen says. “Flapjacks, biscuits and gravy, waffles, you name it! It’s so great! You’re going to absolutely love it here. Anything off the breakfast menu you try, you’re going to love.”
When the waitress brings the menus, Thompaulsen notices that they’ve changed.
“Wait a minute! Where’s the waffles? The pancakes? All I see is toast,” Thompaulsen said, confusion in his voice. “Oh! Wait! That’s right. I forgot this was the first place we decided to test pilot or new ban on egg products. You know, on account of us being so pro-life here, and truly wanting to protect the life of the unborn.”
Rep. Thompaulsen explained that last week, he approached the owners of The Lonely Confederate Diner to change up their menu and eliminate any items that required the use of chicken embryos, more widely known as “eggs.” The thinking, he explained, was that the eggs represented an unborn life that needed to be protected. Thompaulsen believes that, even though he loves dishes like fried and scrambled eggs, that he’s being ideologically consistent by pushing to ban those types of foods in his state.
“Every potential life is sacred, and we must protect chicken embryos with the same religious fervor that we protect other species’ embryos,” Thompaulsen said. “No matter how nonsensical it is to value a potential life as highly as a life that’s already fully formed, we have to let the divine hand of God guide us to place of higher morality. That place starts first and foremost with taking away sexual agency from women, continues with us forcing rape victims to have rape babies, and ultimately concludes with us not letting you make scrambled eggs in our state. Make sense? Of. Course. It. Does.”
If the pilot program goes well, Thompaulsen and his fellow Republicans will push forward a bill that would criminalize using aborted chicken embryos in food items. It was not that hard a decision to make to ban egg products, Thompaulsen said.
“I believe in the free market more than I believe in Christ’s salvation, but if we can’t get an abortion in this state, why are we allowing people to eat aborted chicken embryos,” Thompaulsen asked rhetorically. “I’m half surprised Planned Parenthood never opened up a scrambled egg kiosk or somethin’!”
Thompaulsen says that some in his state may not like the move to criminalize scrambled or fried eggs, but that most “good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, Alabama patriots” would be completely supportive of outlawing omelettes.
“We call ’em French’d eggs in these parts,” Thompaulsen said. “Except after 9/11 when we changed that to ‘Freedom Eggs.’ But banning something French will never be unpopular around these parts.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.