Sunday, October 1, 2023
No menu items!

    Asshole Itching to Give All His Asshole Opinions

    THE SHITE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — From within his gated community, sitting in the living room of his 3200 square foot house overlooking the Pacific Ocean, Jim Jasper sits, patiently waiting for you to pay attention to him. Jim is an asshole with a bunch of opinions, and he’s dying to give every single one of them to you, right now.

    “I’ve spent a lifetime building up thoughts and feelings about a whole array of topics, and most of them are utterly atrocious,” Jasper told us in a Skype interview. “You should hear my thoughts on the Star Wars prequels. Spoiler Alert: BEST FILMS NOT JUST IN FRANCHISE, BUT IN CINEMATIC HISTORY!”

    And it’s not just horrible, asshole opinions on movies that Jasper has. He’d like to share all kinds of opinions he has with you that he feels are “just as much stupid as they are nonsensical, or even flat out based on fiction.”

    “Honestly, I don’t know why everyone thinks grilled cheese sandwiches are good,” Jim says. “They’re just melted cheese between two slices of bread. So what? You know what’s really tasty? Canned sausages and a Diet Pibb. Fuck literally everything else.”

    Even on subjects he admits he has no expertise, experience, or real interest in are not safe from Jim’s opinions. In fact, he says, he might actually be more adamant and more emotionally invested in telling you those opinions than the ones on subjects he actually knows about, like rowboat design and manufacturing.

    MORE: Trump Interviewing Hillary Clinton For Chief Of Staff

    “Sure, I’ve been one of the world’s most well-known and famous rowboat engineers for thirty years,” Jim says. “But I have a real burning desire to sit you down, look you right in the eye, and tell you why I think New Kids on the Block surpassed the Beatles in terms of musicianship and songwriting, and more importantly, why you’re an asshole if you don’t agree with me.”

    That, Jim said, is the “real point in all this.”

    “It’s not so much my opinion that white socks and sandals are the ONLY choice to make for footwear during the summer that excites me,” Jim said. “It’s the idea of getting to stab my finger into your chest and call you an asshole when you disagree with me. That’s the real point in all of this.”

    Jasper will be touring the country this summer in a Winnebago with a P.A. speaker attached to it. He’ll be screaming his opinions through the speaker starting at sunrise and concluding at sunset. Jim hopes to visit as many states as he can during his tour.

    Early reviews of Jim’s tour are mixed, but made up of only very strong opinions.

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.