Saturday, September 30, 2023
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    AG Barr: “The President Can Murder Ten People If He’s Feeling Stressed Out Enough”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though the Mueller Report is still, at the time of publication, not publicly available, that hasn’t stopped Attorney General William Barr from commenting on it.

    This morning, Barr held a press conference explaining the report without members of the press having a copy. He gave his most detailed reasoning to date as to why he decided not to conclude that President Trump obstructed FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation. In a seemingly unprecedented gesture, Barr went above and beyond to paint a picture of the president’s mental state, and used that as a defense not only of Trump’s actions, but of Barr’s decision not to conclude Trump obstructed justice.

    “The president was frustrated and angered by the sincere belief that the investigation was undermining his presidency,” Barr said. (CBS News)

    The legal reasoning behind Barr’s conclusion, that Trump didn’t obstruct the probe, seems to be predicated on Trump’s emotional state during the probe. This would, according to some legal scholars open up all sorts of avenues of debate. The question of whether a president can be accused of any crime now has come to light. If one can simply say they were under extreme emotional durress and fearing for the viability of their presidency, can any president in the future be held accountable for breaking the law in office?

    Seeming to sense that there were still more questions than before his press conference, Attorney General Barr took time on his way to lunch to explain his actions further.

    “Look, here’s the bottom line, and I am confident the American people will agree with me, is that the president can literally do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to,” Barr said. “And all I was looking to do is find the legal framework to get him off the hook. I found it. You’re all weclome.”

    As he was walking away, Barr seemed to have another thought come to him.

    “It’s like this, okay? The way I see it? He’s a Republican, I’m a Republican. I’m his personal defense attorney now,” Barr explained. “The truth is that in my view the president can murder ten people if he’s feeling stressed out enough, and there’s nothing any of can or really even should do about it.”

    Barr explained himself further.

    “How could we expect any president to faithfully execute the laws of our country and not break them? It’s not like he took some kind of solemn oath not to break the law or anything,” Barr said. “Sheesh, give this guy a break! He was, like, realllllly freaking out, okay?”

    During his morning presser, Barr explained the Mueller examined ten separate incidents that could have risen to the level of obstruction of justice. However, Barr said that since the Mueller team couldn’t establish a criminal conspriacy with Russia, it explained Trump’s manic and abusive behavior toward the investigation. Barr specifically seemed to use Trump’s emotional state as an excuse for his unlawful behavior.

    “Again, this isn’t that complicated. I have always believed in the imperial presidency, and have always been the utmost partisan stooge,” Barr explained as he walked away from the reporters. “So, if you think I’m ever going to act with integrity, you’re high AF. I will make up literally any reasoning I have to in order to make Republican presidents’ misdeeds go away. Iran Contra. Ever heard of it. Look it up, bitches.”

    Asked about his hostile tone toward the reporters and the American people who didn’t vote for Trump, Barr gave everyone the finger and showed them his asshole.

    “That’s wht I think of you all, okay? My loyalty is to the president first, my bank account second, and my balls second,” Barr said. “Speaking of which, here.”

    Barr pulled out his shriveled testicles and put them into a nearby jar.

    “There. I’m having these sent to Dear Leader because I clearly don’t need them anymore,” Barr said.

    This is a deveoping story.

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.