WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has reportedly inked a deal with Shire US, Inc, who manufactures the drug Adderall. The terms of the deal have not been fully disclosed, however in exchange for an unspecified investment in the Trump organization, Shire will have corporate sponsorship and naming rights over the next State of the Union Address given by President Trump, which is scheduled for February.
“At this time, we’re finalizing the details, but we have a couple of ideas for naming the event,” Shire deputy junior spokespusher Craig Kentleberry told the press today. “One thing is for certain, we at Shire truly appreciate any opportunities we’re afforded for marketing synergy, and you don’t get a much better marketing opportunity than having the President of the United States use your product.”
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Kentleberry divulged a handful of the naming options that Shire is considering for next month’s speech. The address itself will be quite noteworthy because of its historic nature. Only three men have ever been impeached as sitting presidents in the nation’s history, which means the number of times an impeached president could have given the State of the Union address is quite low. Mr. Kentleberry said the timing of the speech certainly played into Shire’s decision to reach out to Trump to try and broker a sponsorship deal.
“Clearly he loves our product,” Kentleberry said. “Just watch him during any important speech he gives. He’s huffing and sneezing the whole time he’s speaking. We’re proud that Adderall is fueling not just his rage tweet marathons, but also plays a vital role in him having the guts to actually stand on a global stage and speak, because he knows deep down what an utterly stupid idiot he is, empirically speaking. Imagine how terrible his speeches would be without Adderall pumping through his veins.”
58 times. He sniffed 58 times during his address. Here are all of them. pic.twitter.com/GoAIfsfdLd
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) January 8, 2020
Shire plans to put a large bottle of Adderall on the dais from which Trump will deliver the speech on the House floor. They will also place a few large piles of Adderall, ground up into a fine powder, on the dais as well. This will allow Trump to “take a bump” whenever he needs it, Kentleberry explained.
“The one thing we know for absolute certain is that the State of the Union Adderall-ess will be the most memorable speech ever delivered in that historic chamber,” Kentleberry insisted. “One way or another, the president will see to that. You know he’s going to be feeling the pressure. You know that it’ll be bugging him the whole time that he’s speaking from the same place where a permanent taint was put on his presidency. The only thing we’re worried about is if we’ll be able to put a big enough supply of Adderall on the dais, because the last thing any of us want is him running out halfway through. No one wants to see what happens to an authoritarian reality-TV conman when he’s cut off in the middle of a meth binge.”
This morning, while pacing around the White House lawn awaiting a helicopter ride to McDonald’s, Trump agreed to shout at reporters, and took some questions on the developing story.
“This is a tremendously big deal for our country, sure, but most importantly for me,” Trump shouted, “but then again, since I am literally the country, or at least the only one in the country that the citizens are legally permitted to care about, in the end, this really is all about me…and how great I am.”
Trump sniffled and sniffled as she shouted.
“I don’t know why people think I have a drug problem with snorting something,” Trump sniffed and sniffed again, “it’s not like I give important speeches and can barely get through them, because I’m sniffling so much. If you hear that, don’t believe your ears! If you see that, don’t believe your lying eyes! But when they came to me with this deal, and told me they’d give my company, WHICH I AM TOTALLY NOT RUNNING OR ANYTHING, tons of money? How could I refuse? See — good for our nation. MY nation. One nation, under Trump.”
Senators Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz were spotted in the parking lot, fighting over who got to praise Trump for this move first. Congressman Doug Collins was seen running toward the White House, putting on knee pads and doing mouth and lip warm-up exercises.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.