Okay, America. Maybe it’s time to slow down a little bit on the mass shootings? I mean, it was fun for awhile, playing the age old game of, “Will my kids come back from school alive?” for a bit, but all good things must come to an end, right? Almost seven years after 20 first graders were slaughtered at Sandy Hook Elementary School, really not much has been done to address access to guns in this country. And guess what? That might actually be a good thing.
Sure, on the face of it, it would seem that trying to curb mass shootings without also, somehow, addressing access to guns and gun culture in general is a losing battle. Some might compare it to trying to curb overeating at a fried food buffet. Others might compare it to trying to curb arson while not trying to regulate access to flamethrowers. But regardless of the metaphor you use, it turns out that doing absolutely, positively nothing about guns might actually a way to address mass shootings in America. Doing nothing
6. Pretend to Care
Not a lot of people like to talk about it — but feigning compassion is a great way to address an issue without actually lifting a finger! Firstly, you get to appear to be a nice person, which will immediately put people at ease, increasing the chances that they’ll never figure out how very little you did! Secondly, pretending to care means that you don’t actually care, which ultimately means, by default, you won’t do anything. And considering doing nothing is a hallmark American value, we think this is one of the best ways possible to address mass shootings while doing nothing about guns, because you won’t actually be doing anything, guns or no guns.
5. Buy 15 More Guns, Just In Case
This is almost a no-brainer and so obvious it’s pointless to bring it up. However, the best possible way to stop mass shootings is to buy more guns. You should actually have more guns than you can possibly use, just in case you’re in a mass shooting and have to go home and buy a few dozen more guns to defend yourself with, and then go back to the firefight! Sure, those guns will probably at some point get either sold off by you or stolen from you…and then they could wind up being used in a mass shooting, but you should never think too much about things that make you confront your preconceived notions, because of how bad for your health critical thinking is.
4. Check The Bible for Tips on Curbing Gun Violence
In times of great strife, is there any better source for knowledge and wisdom than the cobbled together mythologies and tall tales of centuries past that are contained in the Bible? Sure, when the stories were written there wasn’t even indoor plumbing, but we all know there is no bigger resource for solving our problems than that of the Holy Bible. Modern problems got you down? Try some arcane and archaic thinking about the world around you! And if nothing else, you can use the Bible to throw at the guy who’s pointing his semi-automatic rifle at your head.
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3. Make a Sandwich and Think a Lot About Mass Shootings While You Eat It
Look — maybe all you need to do is just sit down with a nice PB&J and think it out. Maybe you just need to slap together a ham and turkey on rye and cogitate. Who knows? Perhaps the positive vibes you put out into the world will be enough. Maybe just thinking long and hard about mass shootings is all the effort we really need to put into anything. Go on! Give it a shot! Make a sandwich, sit down, and just think about mass shootings.
2. Call Your Congressional Representative…and Tell Them To Binge Watch Something on Netflix
If you’re going to call your congressman or congresswoman, the last thing you should do is encourage them to take action that might help mitigate the frequency of mass shootings. Oh, not because it’s not a noble or worthy endeavor. Rather, because elected officials are literally allergic to putting in effort. So it’s probably best, if you’re going to waste everyone’s time and call your elected official, that you talk about anything else in the world other than, well, them doing stuff. They don’t do stuff. That’s for the plebs.
1. Thoughts and Prayers
At the end of the day, this is still the best, most tried and true, way to do absolutely, positively nothing about mass shootings but still look like you care. Throw out the thoughts. Toss up the prayers. Congratulations! You’ve done fuck-all, but you can go get the Double Quarter Pounder you’ve been craving and sleep well tonight, knowing you did nothing you could do to help the problem of mass shootings.
Another Story: 5 Reasons America Has Mass Shootings That Aren’t How Easy It Is For Just About Any F**King Idiot To Get A Gun
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”