Throughout the Ukraine scandal that has rocked the Trump administration and seems to have it teetering on the edge of impeachment, the president has used one word most often when describing his infamous call with a newly elected Ukrainian president. That word? “Perfect.”
Some have wondered if President Donald J. Trump has ever encountered a dictionary in his life, because his definition of “perfect” has never seemed to quite match-up to what most carbon based life forms would consider their own definition of that word. Some have suggested that perhaps the president has had at least a half lobotomy, while others are pretty sure it’s at least 75% of his brain that’s no longer in his exceptionally large head. But after we did some digging around and some true, deep-dive Internet-based research, we found a few things that might actually back up Trump’s claim that his call to Ukraine, pressuring them to dig up political dirt on his rival, was indeed “perfect.”
We present our findings now to you, our loyal readers.
6. The Titanic’s Maiden Voyage
When The Titanic set sail on its first voyage, no one could know it’d be the only journey it’d ever embark on. While it struck an iceberg and eventually broke apart before sinking, and even though many people died, you could still say that the Titanic batted 1.000 in terms of not making it to their final destination. Another way of saying “batting 1.000” is to say something is perfect. Ergo, when judged on sinking during its maiden voyage, the Titanic’s record is, indeed, perfect.
5. The Box Office Numbers for “Showgirls”
The hype for “Showgirls” before it was released was pretty big. The film about Las Vegas dancers promised tons of T, lots of A, and even some D’s and P’s. It also featured a “Saved by the Bell” star doing sex stuff. It was rated NC-17, and it was, in general a highly-anticipated film. Then it was released and everyone realized you really could get bored with naked people if they weren’t at least acting somewhat coherently. But you know what? The fact that it was a bomb makes the box office receipts for “Showgirls” absolutely perfect. Movies aren’t made to make money! They’re made to entertain. Just ask any big studio executive; they hate to even mention the budget of a film, and would rather just blow wads of cash on shitty films. This is all as true as anything you’ll read on the Internet today, so don’t blame us if it doesn’t really make any sense.
4. The Supreme Court’s Dred Scott Decision
Sure, the founding principles of this country were, ostensibly, that every human being deserves to be free. Sure, slavery was an affront to that entire notion. Absolutely, its existence in America made the founders, and everyone who supported it massive hypocrites. Finally, yes, the Supreme Court’s decision in the Dred Scott case was an atrocious certification and tacit approval of that abhorrent practice, but it was still perfect. Just, you know, perfectly racist. Perfectly horrific. A perfect example of a human rights violation. Perfect. Just like strong arming an ally into meddling in our elections…perfect.
3. Explosive, Uncontrollable, 24-Hour Diarrhea Fits
Need to turn in a project on rorschach tests? Trying to get out of a date you don’t actually want to go on anymore? Then explosive, uncontrollable, 24-hour diarrhea fits are literally the perfect solution to your current problem!
2. Matt Gaetz’ DUI Test Record
Matt Gaetz has never failed a field sobriety test. Never. Sure, he was pulled over in 2004 and the officer who stopped him smelled booze on his breath. Yes, his eyes were watery. But Gaetz, a lawyer, never failed a DUI test. That’s because he never took the DUI test. While the rest of we plebs might have gotten in even more trouble for straight-up refusing a request to take a field sobriety test, Gaetz was simply arrested, but the case was ultimately dropped. No one quite knows why. But at least Matt got something out of the experience, a beautiful new headshot that really brings out the lifeless sycophant in his eyes, doesn’t it?
1. Donald Trump’s Marriages
You know what? Maybe everyone is being too harsh on the Donald. After all, if you’d failed at just about everything you did that couldn’t be fixed by your daddy’s money, but never faced any real consequences, you’d have a skewed version of reality to live. Same goes for the guy who’s been married three times but is now the man carrying the banner for traditional family values. To Trump, dumping a wife before she gets too old or stops looking like Ivanka is a win, anyway, so in that regard, he’s got a perfect score, too.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.