The 2020 election came and went. At times, it seemed like we were all going to be stuck in this election cycle forever. It also felt at times like the campaign season started four years ago. When it was all said and done, however, despite the gnashing of teeth and moaning from President Trump and his allies, former Vice President Joe Biden and his running mate Sen. Kamala Harris of California were victorious.
Despite the fact that the election was called by all the major news outlets — Fox News among them — within a week of Election Day — Trump and his alleged attorneys have tried like hell to get some court, somewhere, to put a brakes on Biden’s victory. Thus far, not a single court has intervened in a meaningful way, and the Trump campaign’s legal team has only managed to notch a single win in court.
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It would seem that the all the momentum is carrying Biden to the White House, and that Trump’s political career will be a one-and-done affair, barring any miracle comeback in 2024 or beyond. There simply is no way that Trump can win the election…
…or is there?
What if we told you that in doing some research on the issue, we discovered five paths to victory for Trump? Well, we didn’t do the research, and even if we had, we wouldn’t have found anything. Still, that didn’t stop us from dreaming up ways in which Donald Trump could actually win the election after all. But again, we cannot state emphatically enough that Donald Trump cannot and will not be the next president.
If we lived in a world where it was possible, however, these would be the five ways that Trump could still win.
#5. Hold a Pretend Election Against His Son Don Jr For “President of the Trumps”
If all President Mushroom Dong wants to do is win an “election,” then there all kinds of ways we can facilitate that without damaging our self-governing democracy and all that jazz. If the Trump family agreed to hold an election for the office of “President of the Trumps,” it’s highly likely he’d win. Though, just to be sure he should probably see if Ukraine has any dirt on Eric.
#4. Change His Name to “Sleepy Bo Beepy Biden”
Maybe the real problem is that Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden, and all he needs to do in that case is to just simply BE Joe Biden. If Trump wants, as president, he can probably expedite a hearing to have his name legally changed. Whether or not he can convince people he’s the “real” Joe Biden isn’t up to him, but the first step is getting the courts to recognize him as a Joe Biden. Then, he can concentrate on convincing everyone he’s THE Joe Biden.
#3. Get the Supreme Court to Declare His Feelings Worth More Than Votes
For some reason, the Constitution does not have any rules for what to do in an election where the sitting president gets his feelings super-duper hurt by losing. Apparently, the Founders weren’t smart or cool enough to put a “re-do” or “backsies” clause in the Constitution, so Trump will have to think outside the McNugget box. Maybe if he can get his crack (smoking) team of lawyers to convince the Supreme Court to rule that his feelings are worth more than votes, he has a shot at winning after all.
#2. Buy a Box of Crackerjack and Call the Prize in the Box an “Election”
It’s really too late for the 2020 presidential election. However, there are millions of ways Trump can still win the election, provided you call anything other than the election, “the election.” What we’re suggesting is that Trump have Stephen Miller or some other similarly qualified Nazi on his staff, go and buy a few boxes of Crackerjack. Each one has a prize. As soon as Trump pulls a prize from a box, declare that prize “the election,” tell him he won it, and then tell him he gets to win the election every time he opens a new box. That ought to keep him happy as long as the Crackerjack supply lasts.
#1. Huff Paint. Declare Himself the Winner. Rinse and Repeat.
Maybe in terms of “reality,” it’s too late for Donald Trump to win. Perhaps, if we live only in a world where we don’t continually huff paint fumes, there’s simply no way for him to pull out a victory. But if you read between the lines, you know that all you have to do is continually huff paint, and literally anything is possible. So if you see an extremely obese, tiny-handed, red hat-wearing idiot at the paint counter at Home Depot next week, now you know why.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.